Someone asked me if I am ready to open my heart again. I made a joke “I’m always ready”.. But deep inside me there was “Am I?”..
We talked last October. Sabi ko gusto ko lang na maayos kaming maghiwalay. He asked me if that was what I really wanted to happen. I said it’s up to him. Then, I asked him if he still loves me, he said even if he would say yes, it’s not going to work.
I wished he just said NO, I don’t love you anymore or I have never loved you at all. Than made me feel he still does but I am not deserving of it. It’s too painful for me to talk about this but I know it won’t help to just suppress all the feelings that make me weak each day. We are just human. We have emotions. So it is okay to be hurt and cry. Our tears do not mean we are hopeless. In a way, my friend is right, that is the only way I could love myself at this point.
Regrets? A little. Those times I failed to say how much he means to me. And that was it. Just like everybody else who experienced or is experiencing this kind of emotional crisis, I have to step on acceptance level and look forward. Hindi na ‘ko umaasa na magkikita pa kami. O ‘yung sinabi niya na sa March na lang kami mag-usap pag-uwi niya. I am done. It’s a disservice to myself to hope that we still have the chance. Even I’ve tried; I can’t be a better girl for him.
Those who read this, if ever you see me, just smile at me. This is a turning point in my life I mostly needed other people’s glow. Don’t worry, in time, I will be healed. I will be ready to open my door again.
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