A PIECE OF ME

"IT'S NOT THE DREAM.. IT'S THE GIRL BEHIND THE DREAM.."

My father was just scared when he found out I am involving myself to subversive activities when I was 17 years old.. Though I have no regrets, I admit, I’ve been too self-centered for taking that road, less travelled.. Suddenly, I felt alarmed for their security.. It was the biggest disappointment I have caused to my family especially to Papa.. He said he was controlling himself to hurt me because I am a girl.. I am never confused on my gender but that night he confronted me, I wish I were a boy, so he could just punch me for everything..  It wasn’t a big deal that he didn’t allow me to go out in our house the next day, but it was a big big torture on my part that he didn’t bother to talk about it anymore.. He acted as if nothing happened.. He made me feel that even I am his daughter, I still need to find myself as a person.. He never denied me the freedom to do what I wish to do in my life..

Before I graduated from college, he handed me the application form for BSPS in Castaňeda.. Out of guilt, I wholeheartedly embrace that it must be the consequence of my misdeed.. From LEFT to CORRECT?.. (sorry, can’t think of the appropriate word).. He provided me all the things that would help me.. Even just buy me a newspaper every morning is a big thing to him.. His moral support was consistently on the extreme level.. Until I made it on the first step.. He was so proud to me because only four applicants passed in our province.. It was radio-messaged in the whole city and his colleagues were congratulating him for being the father of the only girl who achieved the privilege to pursue the next level of screening process in PPSC, Taguig City.. It is a very rare chance that’s why he was so honored for pushing me to get there.. Can you imagine how many young people in our country became frustrated for not being able to get the opportunity to move forward after the admission test? Nationwide, only 1501 succeed..

This is the hardest part, the most painful part, only 30% hit the quota.. To make it very clear, HINDI AKO KASALI.. It was a battle of the better than all others.. The most deserving ruled.. And I was one of the 70% who were beaten..

I guess it is not necessary to elaborate what made my dream cracked.. I just want to share it was really frustrating.. But I didn’t stop there, the next year, I tried again, and then the year after that. I followed the belief that, TRY AND TRY UNTIL YOU SUCCEED.. And all of that attempts always put me on the very promising list of disqualified applicants.. Hindi pala totoo ang KAPAG MAY TIYAGA, MAY NILAGA, ‘di ba? But I must say, everything happens for a reason.. The last time I wanted to try my luck even just in Olivas, Pampanga, Papa ceased my application.. He told me to stop.. It was maybe the time I felt the need to free myself from the guilt feeling for what I have committed before..

All of us go through the search for self-fulfillment.. When I found mine, it was on the unacceptable setting for many.. It was a crucial phase of my life.. I was torn between myself and my family.. Everybody thinks that I am tough, but tough people also have their weaknesses.. And my family is one of them.. I chose to stay with them for no other reason, I love them.. Papa didn’t force me to do all this sacrifice, it’s my own initiative. I wanted to be like him to let him know that I respect him and I look up to him so much and that I didn’t intend to put our family in danger..

I could never be like Papa.. I could never bring myself to where I am not meant to be.. I could never rectify the unwise move that hurt them.. It was maybe a big mistake to direct myself on the wrong side but it doesn’t mean I never loved them.. All these years, they are all that I have got.. And maybe, the years ahead, they will still be the only one who would never turn away from me even if, just in case, I arrive to a decision to turn left again.. JUST KIDDING: ) Now, I could say I have learned to be considerate.. to my family.. I have learned to be security conscious.. `for my family.. All the things I have gone through the years of my struggle to live in the academy made me a better daughter..

After watching the part 1 video of MABIKAS class, I disregarded the tasks I planned to accomplish last week to give myself some time to reflect.. Last night, I texted my sister about it and she told me everything has its purpose.. When I watched the videos I made for my former pupils, realizations sink in to me.. I know I will be disappointing the people I keep on boosting to go after their dream.. But this is what I needed to do to release myself from the cross I carried for so many years.. It is about time I should let go and move on.. I am the one depriving myself of the possibilities to grow on where I am right now.. I am putting this dream to rest because there is a life out HERE that needs my full devotion..

I will always remember how my PNPA’s dream motivated me.. I give my biggest CONGRATULATIONS to MABIKAS class.. and to the 70% they defeated four years ago.. And to those whose fight is ongoing, Sir Romulo Banta is right, GOD HAS A PERFECT PLAN TO EVERYONE.. If it’s for you, it’s yours, if not, very simple, IT IS NOT YOURS.. Though not everyone will favor their endeavor, at least, you give your best in making your dreams happen than not try to make it happen at all.. Life has many options.. Just let go and let God.. As Mariah Carey’s song goes, when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong and you finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you..