BROKEN. . . . . .

there will be time that you would feel the pieces of yourself are scattered in unknown places...honestly, i don't think i could still carry out the fight i've been trying to win for so many years... it's not because my courage is no longer that intact... you know even everything is uncertain i'm still willing to get myself there... it's just that one day, the realization suddenly appeared that i'm not getting any younger... there are ideas that make me confuse... things that i have never pictured to myself... and i am not sure if i would take the chance to go for it or just let it go...

LET GO

sir rodel told me, love is a gift.. it comes to those who deserve it... when i replied, I AM LOVELESS.. he said, maybe you don't deserve it "YET"..

i could have it anytime i want.. but i am not convinced that i need it at this point of my life...and i realized when i opened myself to the possibility with jonathan, to be deserving, it takes courage... and to have that courage, you need to face your fears and weakness.. and sad to admit, i can't... there are still should's and have to's i need to fulfill... in the right time, i know, i can take the risk... as of now, better stay this way, single and happy...

DOWN THERE IS ME...

Being tough doesn’t always mean you’ve got the strength to face anything without being stirred… At some points, I also want to cry and cry and cry ‘til I run out of tears… But most of the time, I just can’t let myself be conquered of the circumstances… Sometimes, I couldn’t help being so mean, because that’s my cover up… my struggles do not need to affect anyone… My loneliness is not their concern… I preferred to be unloved than being pitied and inconvenient to other people…

PARE

i still clearly remember the day we were walking at the street of zone 4, he was hugging me and asking me to go back to him.... it was the last... the real end between us... the saddest.... the most memorable... the last moment i felt that somehow he did love me, too...
i know i've outgrown those days i was so damn in love with him... i was able to forget and forgive him for everything... but trusting became harder.. i admit the side effect of his game affects me until now.. or i just knew i can rely on my instinct.. i feel as if another soldier is going to conquer my spirit again... and i won't let that happen...  those are the reasons why i am disregarding the chance, "to be deserving".. because it is the only way i could guard myself from the replay of the past...