MAMANG PULIS!

wehhh... jaming! hahaha:) bihira nga pala akong mag-update ng tungkol sa mga FISHES IN THE SEA... siguro dahil hindi ako gano'n kainteresado... wala silang dating sa 'kin... at alam ko naman na boladas lang naman sila, nanenesting lang...

*CHAT

boy: puntahan kita pag uwi ko
girl: kelan?
boy: wednesday
girl: wala ako non at friday
boy: huwebes?
girl: sige
boy: gusto kita
girl: gusto mo ng textmate bigyan kita?
boy: ayoko, ikaw gusto ko. mahal na nga kita.
girl: uto! grRrrRrrr....

WOW! starry starry day! pwede na siyang idagdag sa collection ko ng flings bwahahaha! lupet ba? haba ng hair? hmppp... kilala ko naman ang sarili ko... hindi ako lumalagay sa maluluge ako... kahit na naaapektuhan ako o nalulungkot, 'gang don lang 'yon... lumilipas din naman... talagang gano'n... lahat naman ng bagay na nangyayari sa 'tin, may package na learning... may consolation.. at least hindi ko sinasara ang sarili ko sa mga possibilities... hehe...

tama naman din si mam madelon, HINDI KA PA SAWA SA BUHAY SINGLE, ENJOY!

oo nga... madami pa 'kong inuman na pagtatagayan... madami pa 'kong lugar na liliparan... madami pa 'kong gustong gawin na hindi ako half-hearted...

once naman dumating na 'yung right person for me, i promise, mamahalin ko siya gaya ng pagmamahal na hindi ko naibigay sa lahat ng naging boyfriend ko... at siguro by then, wala ng ibang magiging importante sa buhay ko kundi siya at magiging babies namin... toss?

WHERE IT HURTS?

in return to that kawawa thought, i put down all the possibilities that we can still work things out between us... i can forgive but i cannot be at peace while i am connected to him with the feeling that i won't ever be deserving...... this is the best choice i guess so we could both find what's really meant for us...

i hate to admit that his existence stirs me... my emotion... i know i don't have the right to be affected... i have been so insensitive, so heartless to him... whatever unhappiness i am going through right now, i deserve it... siguro guilty lang din ako... dahil may mali naman din ako talaga... at pagkukulang... sorry to him... pero hindi ko talaga matatanggap 'yung pagiging kawawa ko para sa kanya na wala naman siyang alam sa kung ano man ang nandito sa loob ko all these years... ayoko na ding ungkatin pa... the damage has been done... i'm done... time to think of myself over anyone else that doesn't really matter if i lose...

we must face it now, love never happened to me... there was no love to be considered... it was just a notion on my part... why not give it a try... that's all... he means nothing to me, after all...

so what now? life goes on... sanay naman akong mawalan... sanay akong mag-isa... philip is right, when i am already willing to open my heart again and love with fullness, god will reveal the right person under the right circumstances... i'd better wait for it... and be happy, even though pain is all over me at this time...

NO PHONE

i mean, i turned off my lines, i don't know just for tonight or until friday.. this day isn't supposed to have its meaning to me 'cause it's nothing, useless to think about.. but why i am so affected? guilty? or should i face the truth, there is longing... haha! for what? wheow! no one will ever know except me... i better play that heartless and liar bitch than let them interpret the reasons behind my excuses...

i know life will never ever be perfect for me but i always have the option to give my best shot with my pupils... the consolation! kids... i can make the best for them...

i hate this day and tomorrow... one thing is for sure, it will pass... GOODNIGHT!

RIGHT MAN

sabi ni ma'am myra, once you've found true love, you'll go for it without hesitation... hmpp... one million like to that! tama rin naman kasi si nimrod, boy, hindi totoong ayaw mong magpakasal, ayaw mo lang 'yung pakakasalan mo...

remember i was only 19 when i accepted christian's proposal... i have loved him so much and all that i've ever wanted is to make him mine.. maybe, we were not really meant to be... though i really wanted to be his wife, circumstances separated us.... i had no choice but to let him go... and i thought then he was the last guy on earth, i was wrong...

i was only 20 when i wanted to enter married life with pare... i never dreamed to teach in public, you know how much i hated being here... but because of him, i welcomed the possibility, the rest was history... and then we live happily ever after, separated... ang saya 'di ba? even i did all the chasing, to fight for him, he was really not meant for me... so i had no choice but to move on and live my life without him...

anyway... i just want to make myself clear that the right man i am wanting for myself is simply the one i love...  'yang dalawang mokong na 'yan, hindi naman nila ako niligawan... basta na-feel ko na lang na mahal ko sila... love means a lot to me... that would be the only thing that will make me surrender my freedom...

any idea on CHINOPS?

REMINISCE

naligaw kami pauwi, nung palabas na kami papunta ng north gate sa fort... napadpad kami sa papunta sa pahingahan... hmppp... siyempre, pa'no ko ba makakalimutan ang second day na nagkilala kami, which was our first date and became officially on... wehehehe ganon kabilis... nag-jog muna kami ng 5am, pumunta sa talavera, nanood ng movie, we kissed, we went to cruz roja, tapos we felt parang matagal na kaming magkakilala... kaya mula non lagi na kaming magkasama... unang kita ko pa lang sa kanya, gusto ko na siya... we get along well... kayang sakyan ang mga trip ko, PARK! the only man na nakasabay ko sa mga gustung-gusto kong ginagawa... kahit naman gano'n ang nangyari sa 'min, i still believe that he did love me in some ways... and it's better to leave it on that way, besides he was long gone to me... i'd rather think of the best things that i've had with him than keep holding on the bad memories.. i will always think of him as a special person who made my journey more meaningful... he will always be my one great love... at least now, i can talk about him and all that had been without bitterness... in spite of all, he had taught me lots of things that i could carry 'til i get older... and most of all, talagang ganon, FIRST KISS NEVER DIES bwahahaha!

one day, when i see him again, i will be happier to see him happy with his new life now... maybe, i would hug him, for the last time, hehe, kung pwede... and thank him for everything...

UNLOADING

kami ang magpafacilitate ng SLAC bukas pero 'eto ko cityville ang inaatupag... malfunction! kahit na-i-draft ko na ang gagawin namin bukas, not enough, kailangan pa ding makapagbuo ng presentation na hindi kami sasablay o ma-o-okray ng bongang-bongga...

alam kong pressured si mam irene dahil siya ang grade leader namin at si tita josie kasi this will be her first time, at ako, wala lang... walang pakialam... but not at all, nagko-contri naman ako ng mga ideas...nagbibigay ng moral support hehehe:)

loaded lang siguro ang isip ko... i want a break... vacation! i want to rest... ilusyon! napakadaming trabaho sa mga panahon na 'to... at wala akong matapos-tapos...

gusto ko lang sigurong tapusin ang kahibangan ko...tama si boy, puro na lang kwento ang pangarap kong maging pulis... matagal ko ng alam 'yon... ayoko lang bumitaw... ayoko lang harapin 'yung katotohanan na hindi ako talaga para do'n... pinanghihinaan lang ako ng loob kasi madaming bagay ang hindi ko kayang gawin... ayaw gawin... at siguro, kailangan ko pa talagang magmature pa at maging mas responsible pa... kahit pa'no naman malaki na ang ipinagbago ko hehe... kahit pa'no natuto na 'kong magmalasakit... siguro dadating din ang panahon na magiging buo na ang pagtanggap ko na dito talaga nababagay at nakalaan...

besides, nagbago na din naman ang takbo ng isip ko...  ayoko ng sundan ang yapak ni mam judy... gusto kong magkaroon ng direksyon, gusto kong magkaroon ng sarili kong pamilya, magkaroon ng babies, maging mommy, tawaging mommy... at para mangyari 'yon, tama si dhon, KAILANGAN MO NG MAINLOVE MARE!

kaso nga lang, hindi na yata ako tinatablan ng LOVE... batong-bato na ba talaga ang puso ko? nalocked ng todo? hindi naman... hindi pa lang talaga dumadating ang lalaking karapat-dapat para sa 'kin... wala naman akong hinahanap... siguro, gusto ko lang maramdaman na mahal ako talaga... at gagawin ang lahat 'wag lang akong mawala sa kanya... ayoko ng para lang akong sinusubukan kung bibigay... panakip butas! rebound girl... hmppp...

tsaka dalawa na lang naman ang gusto kong mangyari, magchampion sa executive run at makapagpublish ng kahit isang piece... haha.. wala namang masamang mangarap... 'yun na lang naman ang libre sa panahon ngayon... hayyyy!


time to sleep... 1:31 am na... maaga pa 'ko bukas... GOOD MORNING!

Boy UPO Nimrod Mate-O bwahaha!

nag-away kami ni BOY kahapon, o mas tamang sabihin na inaway ko siya... well, actually, that was just a reminder from a concern friend ahemmm hehe... i told him it's best na sa 'kin niya na marinig kesa sa iba pa... hindi naman ako napikon, quite offended and alarmed maybe kasi nakaharap ang mga estudyante ko, puro kaabunasan ang inaasal... sabi ko sa kanya, KUNG IKAW KAYA MONG GINAGAGO KA NG MGA ESTUDYANTE MO, AKO HINDI!!!!! [with matching red face hehe:)]

pero nag-sorry naman din siya... narealized niya na mali siya hehe... sabi din naman ni mam louraine at mam charot sa kanya, DINIDISIPLINA NIYA 'YUNG BATA KUMAKANA KA NG GANON... BUGOK KA KASI! wehehe:) kung hindi siya nag-sorry, tuluyan na siyang makikigrupo sa mga gas, IKAW AT AKO... kahirap yatang may kaaway na solid, damay-damay hehe:) joke!!! hindi naman kami aabot sa puntong magsosolian kami ng kandila... natural na sa 'min ang magbungilan, mag-gaguhan... sa huli, kami pa din naman ang magkakasama...

sadyang bugok lang si boy pero kahit pa'no, sa puntong 'to, siya ang pinakamalapit sa 'kin... siya ang maituturing kong partner in crime, sparring partner, bestfriend... minsan, sobrang prangka ko lang talaga, mas gusto ko kasi ng harapan, confrontation, kesa maglaglagan kami ng talikuran... that's not me...

minsan, talagang napipikon na din ako sa ugali niya na parang hindi GUIDANCE, pero iniisip ko naman na pareho lang naman kaming guidance na misguided... manos! pareho kaming siraulo... parehong ugok at ugak... parehong tumador.. parehong may amats... parehong puro kwento... kaya hanggang magkasama kami, magtiisan na lang ng mga topak at karga... after all, wala naman din siyang choice kundi pakisamahan ako, unless magpatayo siya ng overpass ng hindi na siya dadaan sa room ko bwahaha!

BANGS

im sick pero ayokong mag-sick call... pag di ko na kaya, uupo na lang ako at dudukdok sa school... madaming kailangang tapusin... super toxic... hmpp kahapon pa namin binabalak magbangs haha... kasi si charot adik... pero bagay naman haha... excited!

BE HAPPY:)

hayyyy! ayoko mang malungkot kaya lang hindi ko naiwasang magmukmok... for 5 minutes lang naman, nagkulong ako sa madilim na kwarto ko... hindi kasi kami tumuloy nila ibon na lumarga... kaya umuwi na lang ako... physically, sobrang exhausted na... super antok na antok na ko... pero kahit mahiga ako, hindi pa din ako makatulog... sayang ang outfit kong nakaprepare for this day so i decided to accept ate leng's invi to attend the pamamahaygg of inc in ramirez... i went out of my shell and embraced the emptiness.. the hopelessness of this day...

it is not totally empty... as i've said in my wall post in fb, i still have my family and friends who can fill this day with love and memories... hmmp... hypocrisy aside,  maybe, i want something different... someone special to share with me on this day... i want a man beside me to celebrate this day on whatever romantic way possible...

pero ayoko ng pahabain pa 'to... gusto ko na talagang matulog... maybe tom, i'll post the other things inside me... nyt!

VALENTINE'S TRIP NG MGA ABUNAS:)

 so many hands in a plate of fresh salad... that's what you call FRIENDSHIP..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

naisipan ng mga abunas na mag-exchange gift para maiba naman... hehe... mga adik!

walang larga ang mga abunas kaya after class, mall na lang... ako, si mam judy at louraine... wala kasi ang bf ni ibon kaya sabit siya sa 'min... si mam judy, NBSZ... at ako? wala... done and over to my fling thing with you know...

ang sama ko talaga... FLING? after all? 'yun lang naman talaga 'yon... nothing serious between us... hindi na 'ko gano'n ka-affected kaya i can talk about it na para lang akong nagpapalit ng shoes...

ayoko naman siyang saktan... ayoko din namang maging masamang tao ang labas ko... siguro ramdam ko lang din na hindi pa din siya 'yung para sa 'kin... ayoko na munang magsalita ng kung anu-ano... ng wala akong matibay na basehan... wala din naman akong masamang hangad sa kanya... siguro, gusto ko lang din namang maging isang kaibigan, dahil hanggang dun na lang talaga ang kaya kong ibigay...

AT LEAST...

i was crying last night... because someone told me that i am KAWAWA... for loving a wrong man... i cried because nobody really sees what's inside me... nobody knew the pain..

i have made lies to hide something to everybody... part of learning to let go... sorry, lying is the only way i see to get myself at the acceptance level and move forward...

i couldn't help remembered every heartbreak that i've gone through... i reflected... i questioned god... i admitted my mistakes... i considered the purpose for everything... i cried so hard... and freed myself finally... i asked god's forgiveness and dared him to make me fall in love again and learn to trust again... i smiled as i fell asleep and woke up with a clear heart that is ready to face the whole world with a new goal--BE HAPPY.. for whatever that had been... and whatever will be, let it be...

inspite of my blurriness, i look at this life at the more brighter sides now...

it's enough for me that at least---
...one of the billion people in the world made me smile today...
...one of them commended my hard work...
...one of them trusted my capability...
...one of them showed concern...
...one of them threw jokes on me and laughed with me...
...one of them made me mad..
...one of them hated me and frowned because of me...
...one of them shared the same dream, the same opinion...
...one of them asked my help...
...one of them helped me...
...one of them prayed with me..
...one of them texted me...
...one of them liked my wall post in fb..
...one of them chat me..
...one of them tagged me a photo...
...one of them sent me a gift in cityville..
...one of them wanted to make me feel i am special...

all those things that happened to me today are just proofs that there are people out there who help me make a day each day i am still alive.. hindi ako kawawa...

we all have our own perspectives to things and people around us... and the choice is still ours to choose whether to be happy or not, to live or not... and let god be your one and only strength all throughout your journey...

DONE

done with form 137e and 138e for third grading and a lot of forms and reports are still waiting on me.. [sigh]

it's 1:30 in the morning and still up... many things disturb me... hindi ko na nga lang ugaling maglagalag ngayon... you read it right... i'm growing up, A LITTLE... unlike before na hindi ako papasok, nag-sisick call ako ng hindi naman talaga ako sick... i'm learning to consider my responsibilities... kahit na maghapon na pagiging tsimay lang ang role ng isang teacher, okay na din, at  least may direksyon ang buhay ko araw-araw...

nag-PM ako kay sir soro, asking something... or i was only consoling myself that there is someone out there who really loves me for what i really am... i am needing someone to comfort me... even without talking what's going on... somehow, i felt good when i read his reply... that's enough to, at least, loosen up from carrying the loads...

i cannot open all those things that bother me... i don't know how i would... i'm thinking i'm too old to need a friend... to show weakness... to cry... to ask for help... to show off the world that i'm hurting right now... that i feel frustrated... betrayed... and left behind...

my mind is full of IF ONLYs... but i've got to make it with no other than myself all the way... i have to learn to depend to no one... i've got to be okay on my own...

i know i will be able to get over with them... i pray that it will happen very soon...  that i would be able to say I'M DONE!

STIT..........

maybe, in god's time, he would learn to forgive me and care to look back and think of me...

i missed my bestfriend so much...

LOVE, MARRIAGE and ME...

seems that love is impossible to get its space in my heart now.. and marriage is dreading me so much... though i'm trying to open my heart... but the harder i exert the effort to make it  happen inside me, the more i get the feeling of being unable... have i lost the capacity to feel the magic? or am i not really deserving? no! i don't believe that i do... i just haven't found the right man yet... the man that i will love the best that i could is not yet appearing...

what about jonathan? i know i'm being unfair with him... i am becoming a player that i've hated so much from all the men who broke my heart and made into pieces every beautiful belief i got about love and life... i admit it's all my fault.. yes, always! 'cause i'm too stupid and too damn friendly... even crossing the boundaries doesn't make me learn to love him... 'cause love is not about being entertaining... love requires no effort...  love is just simply love once you felt it in your heart...

i hate to hurt him... 'cause i knew very well how it feels like... it's like dying each day you are still alive... but what can i do? keep this longer? make more excuses? create more lies? build more rooms for regrets?

wish breaking someone else's heart is as simple as shutting down a PC... the only thing to do is click the TURN OFF button... when it happens, i would never feel guilty anymore...