CRUSH

the last time i had this feeling was jurassic years ago... remember pretty boy? hehe:)
it may seem impossible 'cause we don't even know each other sa totoong buhay.. pero may kilig factor nga kasi.. and you know that is all that i've ever wanted to achieve deep inside.. tsk.. tsk..  hopeless romantic! alam ko din naman na nag-iilusyon lang talaga ako.. pero okay na din kahit gano'n.. i'm happy even just this way especially at this point of confusion and uncertainties in my life...

GOODBYE, JUNA:(

we all agreed to stop mimicking her.. all this time, we thought it was okay to her... unknowingly, she has negative feeling towards us... to make up to her, please forget juna... from now on, don't ever call me on that way... i don't want to add more damages on what we've done because of our insensitivity... we are really sorry for all those times she just ignored the humiliation for being the center of amusement to many...  

peace, mam idna.. for the last time...

AWAKE!

sleeping the whole day and a vampire all night LOL:) i can do such adikness not until tom...

what i am doing at this time? listening to the television hehe while browsing blogs next to mine, want to get new ideas, be inspired on other's life... so surprising there are people, in spite of their busyness, they find time to blog, just like me...

aside from that, i am thinking... setting goals... whattt??! erase! erase! i just want to buy recipe book and learn to cook more dishes... PAGKAIN NA NAMAN!!! of course, that's one of the bestEST things about this life... hehe:) best na may EST pa... ngek! and it's all because of BLT... you will forget your name once you have tasted CREAMY SQUASH-CARROT SOUP... sarap! wheow! there are lots of paper works waiting on me kaya nag-iisip ako ng masarap... endless item analysis!!! so stressful...

for now, sleep mode na... we need to appear in lazaro at 8am... our presence is compulsory, moral support to the participants of SF... poot! poot! morning:)

PASAWAY

10am na nag-start ang botohan sa ACA at natapos ng 5pm... natapos man namin agad ang mga kailangang tapusin, hindi pa din kami nakauwi ng maaga dahil ayaw kaming ihatid ng mga pulis na naka-assign... napakahirap maging matino kapag puyat, pagod at gutom ka... yeah, right! sinapian na naman ako nung eleksyon... tsk.. tsk.. siyempre hindi ako matatahimik kapag wala akong ginawang eksena... wala naman akong pakialam kung sino man ang maiibyerna...

nung naisip na kaming ihatid, at nando'n na kami sa city hall, pinipigil kaming lumakad... abay ang gusto pa yata mag-fall in line kami at sabay-sabay magmamartsa sa pag-surrender ng mga gamit... sa sobrang bwisit ko ibinagsak ko 'yung ballot box sa semento ng malakas... adik kasi, ayun na lang kami, para ba kaming mawawala... hindi ako sumunod sa kanya... binitbit ko ulit 'yung ballot box at dumeretso ng lakad.. hindi ko siya pinansin kahit umuusok ang ilong niya sa bwisit sa 'kin... may nagawa ba siya? WALA! napigil niya ba 'ko? HINDI! akala niya siguro mababait ang lahat ng mga teachers... nagkamali siya ng inaakala..

naku! naku! kung hindi pa ko nag-tantrums, 3am na kaming nakauwi.. kaya naisip ko, minsan, may pakinabang din pala ko, wahaha:)

INTERMISSION

when i heard about their number, i wanted to walk out and go home.. but i couldn't leave party girl alone there so no choice, got to stay and watch them perform.. same feeling as before-- disgust, disappointment and boredom... i am not saying this because of hate.. yes, for a long time, i didn't bother to talk about what they've stolen from us because i knew god sees them all... besides, what we have formed now belongs to other's credit... as much as i wanted to feel bitter about it, i find it fair enough that we've been all dumped.. isn't that a good joke of life? what do you think?

it all started when i refused to favor them about the ground pres... because of so many issues... and most of all, the differences.. but to everybody's surprised, she had initiated to wave... to save her pride i supposed... but the conflicts didn't end there... in any institution, there are termites who wouldn't stop until everything will be off to destruction... no use to detail all the incidents that confronted us... that time, all i care about is how i could defend someone i always thought a friend to me, so sad, maling-mali ako...

anyway, things happened... despite of all, that friend i am talking about, we are still friends, in calling... whenever she needs me, she knows where to find me... she remains one of the persons i look up to so much, somehow, because i could never erase the fact that i have learned a lot from her... from being a corner-girl to moving in the wide circle of plasticness... that's okay anyway... at least i have experienced some ups and outs of the grim world down there...

it is really true, it's hard to find true friends in this world... so better guard yourself at all times... no regrets, as always... i already junk the sad and bad memories i had with them... but of course, the good times we had shared will always be treasured... toss? ^-^

PENCIL PUSH

"wala ka ng pag-asang maging pulis, underheight ka na, overage ka pa! T1 ka na lang ba habangbuhay? o plain housewife? eh hindi ka na din naman pwedeng mag-GRO!" [sabi ni boy, sabay tawa ng malakas]... huh! SALAMAT SA PANG-AALIPUSTA! you're such an honest friend, boy!

honestly, i am contented where i am right now... no choice eh! wahaha:) go back to school? OH, NO! not likely the thing i wanted at this point... maybe when i reach 30, i will... tsk. tsk.. forever this way is not that bad as being a bum... why not! you know i wouldn't long for something greater... for a higher position, if i can't do it well... that's not me... at wala nga akong pangarap sa buhay, remember?

siguro nga, i am only here for a living...  bonus na lang ang mga kids who touch my life... kahit pa'no, para sa iba, may kabuluhan naman ang buhay ko... sabi ko nga din, kung wala na 'kong magawa para sa sarili ko, may magagawa naman ako para sa iba, okay na 'yon... masaya na 'ko ng gano'n... wala namang mali o masama sa kung ano mang mga pagtitiis ang ginagawa ko sa mundong ginagawalan ko sa ngayon...

kung maiisip ko mang mangarap ulit, hindi na dito... like, balik kalye witt... wittt... just kidding... there are plans of course... may mga responsibilities lang akong kailangang tapusin... hopefully by next year, maka-fly-fly na somewhere... travel-travel.. whoaah... adventure lang naman ang hanap ko sa buhay... not rank or anything... iba-iba lang talaga tayo ng definition ng achievement, happiness and purpose... and it's so happen na masyado na 'kong matagumpay kung standard ko lang ang pagbabasihan ng mga 'yon... ang pinaka-importante naman sa 'kin, kasama ko sila mama at papa at mga kapatid ko.. kahit na habangbuhay na lang akong teacher, buhay ko naman 'to noh! WALA NAMAN KAYONG PAKIALAM! is that clear?!

SURRENDER

i got 12 miscalls.. didn't hear my phone was ringing 'cause i often left it in my room when i'm busy-busyhan... charing! okay confess, even if i heard it, i wouldn't answer it either... hmpp... the last ring they made, i intentionally ignored... what for? hmpp, i know party girl will nag me if she would learn about this... [boto ang lola mo].. so cruel of me... i did it for one reason, i give up...

i thank them for their kindness to me... for welcoming me in their family in spite of the undeclared status with you know... it's just that i can't be the person who would be a part of their life forever... i know i am wrong for letting this come this far... i just want to be sure if i could learn to accept that he must be my fate... maybe some things are not that easy to embrace especially if you don't get the contentment that you wish to achieve.. i wasn't joking when i ask him to let me go... after all, it's what i really wish from him... all this time, instead of learning to love him, he is becoming a burden to me... keeping him doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel guilty as we stay connected to each other, longer...

i'm sorry to say all these... i know it hurts... but i can't lie to myself... you would think i am being unfair with him, sort of... but life's like that, now i am the one who is causing the injury to other people.. and the only way i could return the favor he had done for taking the chance of loving me is to set him free... he is a good person, it doesn't feel good to hurt him, it feels better... 'cause i know he doesn't deserve me.. he deserves to be happy with someone who will love him sincerely... and i know, someday, he'll thank me for doing this...

CARPET VISITATION

we wish tom they will attack our school so we could rest our minds next week.. astig ba? haha.. we are not that sooo confident, we just knew whatever may be their VIOLENT REACTIONS to some things we don't have, it's not the end of the world... after all, those stupid things written in their checklist could never measure our worth as an educator... those are just requirements... not the reality in front of our learners... cheer!

RESOLVED?

after a week of silence, i decided to blow the bomb inside me..
the only way i see to make myself at peace, once and for all, is to be honest with him..
i told him i got offended when i opened his account and read his chat with his cousin:  
>WALA YATA SIYANG SAPI NGAYON..  
>I DON'T LIKE HER...
>HINDI KO GUSTO ANG PAGSAGOT NIYA..  
>HALATANG HINDI PA MATURE... 
>TEACHER SIYA, DAPAT LAWAKAN NIYA ANG PANG-UNAWA NIYA..

even she said she is not comparing me to jonathan's X, the impact struck the same.. what pressed me so hard about this was his reply, PASENSIYA NA, BATA PA KASI SIYA.. sana sinabi na lang niya na-- GANO'N SIYA TALAGA, HINDI NICE...

for a while, i felt i was crushed and distorted... and ayie is out of reach at this time... i have no one to run... he is the only one i knew who see me better... i clung to that lasing-lasing mode because i felt i don't deserve to be considered as if i will not do or say anything right dahil isa lang akong bata..
alam kong hindi ako lovable, sabi nga ni ayie, mahirap akong mahalin.. but it doesn't mean wala na 'kong gagawing tama o mabuti... feeling ko wala na silang titignan kundi ang mga mali at pagkukulang ko...

i dared him to let me go.. but he didn't let us to end just like that... and i don't know if i would thank him for holding on tighter through my imperfections... i put down my pride so we can settle "my" problem to him.. maybe, i was wrong at some things i've said to ate susan and i am sorry...

i am aware there are still things i need to outgrow.. i am trying to keep myself bearable, in some way, but please understand, kahit teacher ako, hindi talaga ako perfect... at hindi na 'ko bata, sadyang ganito lang talaga 'ko... dahil ito ako...

DOMINO EFFECT

though i don't blame that person for causing us to be the hot spot in our area, i would rather ask if it's fair enough to consider or mark everybody as if we don't give a damn about our job? as far as i can see to my fellow educators, they perform more than what is written in our daily lp... and may i ask, who knows about a teacher's sacrifices, no one can tell about how we make each day different for every child we teach... i am not saying i am a perfect teacher, but the percentage of my intention to serve is always 100% though i admit i have deficiency in some aspects, but still, i don't neglect my responsibilities to the kids... and i guess, that's the most important... how we make something happen for the betterment of their lives...

LOADED

want to crumple all the papers on my study table or fold them and make origamis-- stars.. cubes.. pyramids.. prisms, prisms chuva! proud to say, it's one of the things i could do best... but anyway, all those stupid forms are needed, so badly, for the carpet visitation of ESs starting next week...

i can't pretend as if i wouldn't care whatever may be the outcome of their evaluation to us... i am not aiming for an excellent remark, but i am not wanting to be one of the disappointments to our school...

just wondering what is the reason why they make such stupid move.. call of duty? to frighten us? to put us down by looking at our shortcomings and weaknesses?

if you would try to intellectualize why we are on this field, we are here because of the kids... not to please them by completing all the stupid reports they require us to accomplish... is it more important that we focus on the development of our pupils? if i am wrong, then correct me LOL:)

SWEET CORN

pepz made a joke it should be bitter, tsk.. i never tell him anything but we've been friends for more than a decade, he could sense if there is something wrong.. i just told him, WALA 'TO... yeah, it's nothing now... i just want to go back in dunkin' one of these days and try it again with toppings...

NEED A HUG...

whether the choice i've made was wrong or fair, the damage has been done... i just need some time... some space to cry.. though some old friends are always there extending their ears, i still want ayie to be the one to comfort me at this instance... but he is out of reach... no choice, got to regain myself on my own...

WHAT WENT WRONG?

what if i showed her my meanest, she would not just dislike me, she'd hate me or curse me to death if i did... i may not need her approval but her words stirred me so much to the point i decided to go on my own now... i have this feeling they will only look at my mistakes and shortcomings while i am connected to them... and knowing me, i am prone to errors... prinsesa ng sablay! does it mean i will always be compared to someone who seems to be so perfect for them? or i will be regarded like a criminal everytime i fail to meet their expectations dahil teacher nga ako... bullshit 'di ba? so why let this bother me all my life if i could shut them out of my world... do i need to become different for them to think that i am deserving to be a part of their life? sorry, i am not that submissive... not that numb... i can't afford to lose my identity just to be the best for them... i am what i am, love me or hate me, I DON'T CARE...

now, i won't mind whatever negative thing they would say about me, i am no longer attached to them... i admit, it hurts a bit... it makes me sad, somehow... thank god there are people who can relate how it feels like to be treated that bad... that lasing-lasing thing, though not literally, helps me to cope up in a short time... and of course, idna's best, the best!

LASING!

picking up the pieces of my life...

what they've done was very offensive on my part... but thanks to them... they made me realize where i should stand, and it's away from their touch... i could never ever be the person that they expect me to be... i could never be the best... this is just me... not perfect... full of flaws and weaknesses...

i'm done... it's done... i've given it a try... it's enough... besides, how can i fight for something i don't even intend to keep forever? that hurts i know but it's the only way we can be free... live with the truth... and i am sorry... i cannot give something that i don't possess...

if i am being wrong, it's because i want what's best for all... maybe it's hard to understand my intention, i'll just pray at the right time, they would learn to accept it... and forgive me...

AYIE...

hindi ko alam kung saan ka kokontakin;( i need you... because you see me better than anybody...

BE THE BEST?

i won't try to do things i don't feel like doing... i don't mind receiving all the rejections and criticisms for being contrary to what you expect me to be... hate me, go! i am used to it, being hated by everybody...
and i won't fight for something just to keep it for myself... it will make me happier to see it go and grow out of my touch...well, that's just one side of me, i am hard but i am not selfish...

Need SUPERPOWER

4:30 nasa cic ako, 5 nasa bdo, tapos namalengke ako, 6pm na din akong nakauwi... sobrang pagod... magsusulat pa 'ko ng lesson plan at gagawa ng mga devices... at gagawin ko pa 'yung report ni mam juday about teachers day... kahit gusto kong mag-diet hindi ako maka-diet kasi sa sobrang dami ng stress, pagkain na lang talaga ang kaligayahan ko hehe... dinner time! yummy!

SATISFIED:)

i have no reason to regret why i welcomed him... through the countless rejections he received from me, he still cares... i knew only one person who did the same to me, sir archie... he deserves the chance i've given him... though i cannot say at this time that i already love him, it doesn't matter.. maybe, i'll get there... i just need more time to let it grow... as of now, it's enough that we are happy... at peace... especially we got the blessings of both parties... we respect and trust each other even we are apart... i won't expect or demand anything from him, all i want is just loyalty for this relationship... and it's all that matters to me...

but just in case, we'll end this eventually, no one could tell, i can always continue my life, pursue my dream.. or leave cabanatuan forever LOL:) ilusyon! it's not that i don't love him.. because one of the painful things i've learned about this life, some things are not meant to be... if letting go is for the best, i am willing to take the sacrifice...

HAPPY MONTHSARY:)

LOL! magka-chat kami ngayon... sa march daw uuwi siya... may utang daw akong date sa kanya... 'wag na kako, maiinlove lang siya ulit sa 'kin.. sumakit ang tiyan ko sa kakatawa dahil sa sinagot niya na 'to...

chris****_g****: pagnainlove ako ulit sayo di wala ng babalikan ung mangingisda mo..

wahahaha:) adik!

never thought this day would come he'll be nothing to me... that i would say I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE... 'WAG MO NA 'KONG JAMINGIN PA, bla..bla..bla... kahit may konting sumbatan at sisihan factor, we just laugh over the things that happened... and it's good... no more bitterness... better for both of us... wala ng samaan ng loob in spite of all... i'm happy for him, for having many girlfriends hehe, PEACE! and i'm sure he's happy for me, too, for a new lovelife that i have found after all the hurt he caused me... hehe...

looking back since the day we started until circumtances put us an end, no regrets... anyway, we love and get hurt for a reason... everything that happened to us has its purpose... i would  like to think he is included in the package of my frustration with my dream to be an ayer... to teach me to dream again and love again.. to help me grow and let go.. and to make me a better and wiser person today... cheer!

Straining All Over...

mountain of dirty clothes... mountain of paper works... fountain of stress.. so stressful hehe... hay! hay! hay!!! lots of things i am bound to accomplish are really draining... physically demanding... and mentally, torture! even i want to neglect them, i can't do... each day, no more room to discontinue doing my responsibilities... well, that is called commitment... ahemmm... even i can no longer breathe, i keep on going.. because no one in this world would ever care to do all these, except myself... wheeww... ice cream! ice cream! kahit bawal! yipee!!!

ONE GREAT LOVE

IMPROVED to DRAWING GRADE ONE lol:)

no harm in trying:)

DISCOURAGED

a friend was convincing me last month to pass my folder because all applicants are under quota in R3... this must be my chance... and why the heck i'd put it aside... you know how much i wanted it...

some things just came too hard... i cannot guarantee if i could endure difficulties along with embracing it... never thought i'd come to this point i'll stop trying...

but don't worry... i am fine... this is not the first time it feels like all things are falling... it's okay... i am used to it... i know how i would still live the most of my life...

BEFORE AND AFTER

see the big BIG difference???

well, i am a lot better now compare when i was young..

TIME does really make us different.. for the best..

also visit http://jonarizza.blogspot.com/2010/03/july-28-2000.html

HOLD ON;(

as much as i can i'm repressing what i really feel... it's hard to be strong.. and it's harder when you pretend to be fine just to make them feel okay... i admit, giving up is approaching and i am not sure if i could win it or i'd just let it end everything... i'm really sorry... i am not that brave like what i am supposed to be... i am done... done trying and waiting...

BESTMAN

remember the text message about a bride who is sad on her wedding day because she is not marrying the best man? HAHA... wala lang... naisip ko lang..

i was asking chris a while ago, the man i thought was best for me, to be my bestman probably by next year {ilusyon!} just find it amusing to tease ayie or chris who were once involved with me romantically, to be my bestman when i decided to get married... HAHA... funny! never thought the men who broke my heart before are my comforter now... i share my happiness with them, and maybe my sadness, at the same time... well, it only proves one thing, TIME DOES HEAL...and the best thing is, we remain BEST OF FRIENDS... isn't it ironic? don't you think? hehe:) ALANIS!!! 

MARRIAGE??? oh nooooo!!! i am still young... i am not yet ready... as of this time, i just want to go after my dream... don't stop me, please... it doesn't matter if i won't succeed... what's important to me is, i never lose hope... and i do everything that i could to reach it...

i want to change my priorities... i want to just stay where i am right now... teacher forever... be just like everyone else i know... but i can't... yeah, i want to have my own family someday, be a wife, be called mommy, but not now... sorry to say this, it's not all that i wish to be in my life... ayie was wrong for saying, IBA 'YUNG MAY PAMILYA KA, MAY DIREKSYON... yeah, right... talking about direction, does he have it? tsk.. tsk... tsk... i don't mean to deride about his status or condition... i just hate the implication of his words that i am heading the wrong way for staying single... and what is the right way anyway? live in complications? no, thanks! i'm still sane...

WHY OH WHY

ayie is right, it's only me who can decide for myself... as long as i am not hurting anybody, i'll go for someone who makes me happy... and no one can stop me... no one has the right to cease my happiness... i don't need anyone's approval for what i want or who i want to be with... and i don't see any reason why you wouldn't want to see me happy... so can you be happy for me, my friend?

INVI:)

been thinking about it since yesterday hehe... the colors, designs, the content ahayyyy... what's goin' on to me? what he had done to me? haha... well, he just made me happier and gave me clearer direction in life... and i would like to thank him for everything... for a more matured jona that i am now... for coming into my life... and for staying in spite of shutting him out many times before... anyway, it doesn't matter anymore... what's important now is we are starting a life, with only me and him...