THE ART OF GIVING.. Merry Christmas=)

3 months..

how can you expect a person to be happy with the love that exists only in your mind and not felt in his/her heart?

sometimes, i feel desperate... for feelings that i can't give... for words i can't let someone hear... 'cause how can i give something that i don't have... how can i say things i don't mean... i can't mean... i am desperate to get myself out of the circumstance... but it's my choice, i have to stand on it... never mind the feeling of being trapped... i am obligated.. to boost that person morally... to make him happy... to make him strong as he face his life...

sometimes, all i could do is roll my eyes and sigh... and wish it's just a nightmare... when i wake up from it, it will be over... game over...

TAGUMPAY=)

CERTIFIED ABUNAS=)

STRONGER...

madami akong bagay na napatunayan from the one stormy week that passed...
nakakadismaya... nakakasuya... nakakagigil... at nakakataba ng puso...

click the link below and see how i shine... hehe=)

http://www.facebook.com/jonarizza#!/video/video.php?v=176475692377654

i already posted I AM SORRY before this meeting... meaning i am willing to set aside our differences just to save the good bonds that we got... mas masarap pa ding mabuhay ng payapa kaysa nagtatanim ka ng sama ng loob na wala naman ding kapupuntahan...

ang hindi ko lang kasi matanggap sa mga pangyayari, may isang inosenteng tao na nadiin... and i felt responsible for that... kaya kahit alam ko sa sarili kong napakataas ng pride ko, hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na magpakumbaba para akuin ang lahat... everybody was surprised on what i have said especially when i cried... sabi nila, marunong daw pala akong umiyak... yes, of course, tao lang din naman ako... nabigla sila sa pagtutuwid ko ng mga maling paliwanag sa pangyayari... dahil alam kong 'yun ang kailangan para malinis ang pangalan ng isang taong biktima lang ng pagiging makasarili ng iba... ang sakit ng katotohan pero 'yun ang totoo, pagiging makasarili lang naman ang ugat ng gulo... kung natuto lang sana kaming magbigayan at mag-unawaan, hindi hahantong sa pagkakaroon ng lamat ang isang magandang samahan...

wheow! gano'n nga siguro talaga, hindi lahat kagaya ko, ni jen.. ni philip... na kayang kumibo at lumaban... siguro kasama na din sa pangyayari 'yon 'yung nalaman kong hindi lahat ay kayang tumayo sa katotohanan... i'm really disappointed.. or maybe i was wrong to expect he would stand up for us... sorry to say this, may mga tao talagang playing safe... mailigtas lang ang sarili, they can afford to leave you on the down side... hindi kayang manindigan sa mga kagagawan din niya... kaya nung umiinom kami, para na din siyang sinampal sa mga pinagsasabi ko sa kanya... at siguro nga 'yun na 'yung huling pagkakataon na aasa akong kaibigan kami para sa kanya...

for that grupo-grupo, fraction-fraction issue... i realized she's bitter... umeeksena lang 'cause she doesn't have what we got--FRIENDS... naaawa na lang ako sa kanya for everything she fabricated... well, even if she succeeded to put us down, at least i know, we'll never leave each other... down kung down, magkakasama naman kami... i pray she'll find the belongingness that she needs to be at peace in her life...

the damage has been done sabi nga... ang mahalaga tapos na... lastly, i didn't expect na kahit pa'no through the years, may mga taong naniniwala at nagmamahal sa 'kin... for that, gusto ko silang pasalamatan... sobrang sarap ng pakiramdam na kinoconsider ka ng mga tao sa paligid mo... na alam kong hindi ako pababayaan at kasama kong makikipaglaban para sa tama...

I AM SORRY

i know SORRY is the hardest word to say right now...
SORRY would mean admitting that you've also had faults on the conflict...
SORRY would mean you believe that God will not favor you in doing or saying anything against your brothers and sisters...
SORRY is the only way to end the issues in your mind...
SORRY would mean forgiving each other...
SORRY would mean saving the relationship...
SORRY would mean moving on...

i admit i had my share of mistakes on what happened...
i've honestly been insensitive... been one-sided...
i've made things complicated instead of bridging the gaps...
i've been immatured... so mean.. so rude... so unprofessional...
and in the end, the only thing that i gained with all these, NOTHING...
at least now, i could be at peace... i'll be moving on without baggage inside me...
because i am really SORRY...


MERRY CHRISTMAS=)

Pwersa ng mga KONTRA BATIBOT

WEDDING BELLS

when i first saw their pics and learned that soon, very soon, they're going to be tied on each other forever, i won't deny there was a cut that i felt inside me... and since that day, i've been acting strange and i couldn't share about it to anyone even here 'cause i don't really know how i would express the disappointment.. oh i guess, it's not an issue anymore, i could handle it on my own... if you would ask me why i am disappointed, do i still have that feeling as before, NO... but yes, i won't deny that there was a part of me wishing i would be like her, someday... that's it... hahaha=( that hurts... so bad... the other story was recalled... i felt a part of me died and i don't know if time will come, i could revive it again... i know, i don't have the right to feel bitter... maybe i still hoped that somehow, somewhere, things would still work out for us but now i have to face it that it's impossible to happen... i should let go and move on with my life... anyway, seeing the happiness on their faces is enough for me to be happy for them... i wish them the best... and i hope one day, i'll be able to find what's meant for me, too... and when he comes, i'll be happier with my life...

SHOCK ABSORBER

no one had the guts to oppose my decision not to join the presentation, they tried to convince me, but sorry, i want to be out of the scene on that day... too bad, someone did the same but has been regarded negatively... maybe they were already expecting that i won't participate... and their violent side was expressed to her because she kept on murmuring things that made the oldies hot and wild... well, they can't do that to me, you know why? because they knew me, matigas talaga ang ulo ko... ahaha... and i mean what i say... when i said no, no one can break it, whatever it may take... most of all, i don't breathe words voicelessly... hindi ako basta bubulong-bulong lang, sisigaw ako... that's me, you can't scare me just like that... i always make my stand clear... if i want something, i'll go for it... if i don't like it, i won't waste my time on it..

EXCITED=)

two weeks to go, CHRISTMAS NA!!! and 5 more days for lps and all stuffs about being an educator... can't wait for the last day of hard task for this year, hmpp... i'm not complaining, maybe i just need a long break from all the things i do, to be away from the faces i see each day and buy myself some things not available here in cabzy ahehe=) that's it... i'm excited about our (mam judy) plan... that maybe one of the reasons why we became close, we both understand each other's passion... when we already got 'it', you'll know what it is... haha=)
i know next week will be toxic for us, the sunog bagas lol:) drop all that bawal-bawal for a week.. planadong-planado na ang after in all of the events... well, we are just enjoying our life... as long as we have all the chance to do it, go!

Happy Birthday VANY:)

you know what i love about this kid, she's very magiliw...

BATANG MAGILIW hehe=)

with the abunas=)

?????

sabi ni honey, ang devil ko daw... sa kanya ko lang naman nasabi, nabanggit kahit pa'no kasi nagtanong siya...

hindi naman ako nalulungkot.. at mas lalong hindi ako nasasaktan... huh! gano'n na ba talaga 'ko kawalang puso... sobrang lupit... ewan ko... hindi ko alam... ano man ang dahilan ko, sa 'kin na lang 'yon...

THE ART OF BARBIE-Q

'yung nagsabi ng english ng manika--barbie-q ang gumawa n'yan...

naaliw ako dito sa lahat ng tsinek ko.. kasi kulay red 'yung baboy haha=)

wild talaga ang imagination kapag bata ka... kahit ano na lang... basta may gawa, 'yon ang mahalaga, ano pa man ang itsura...

and look, they can construct simple sentence, it feels great on my part...

nakakatuwang isipin na lahat ng hirap ko, nagkakaroon naman ng saysay...

JOHN KENNETH N. MOTIO

 

madaming bagay/tao sa paligid na hindi kanais-nais... 

nakakabugnot... nakakabagot... nakakapagod...

kung may mga nagpapasaya sa 'kin sa ngayon... isa 'tong batang 'to... 

maingay siya... makulit... malikot... lagi ko siyang pinapagalitan... 

pero hindi pa din siya napapagod na kausapin ako, lapitan at siguro mahalin, dahil teacher niya 'ko... 

at siguro din, dahil naniniwala siya sa 'kin... he enjoys talking to me... sharing his thoughts with me... 

honestly, i love listening to kids stories... kahit walang sense para sa 'ting matatanda... i love hearing them talk and talk and talk about anything that mean nothing but means a lot to them... i appreciate their effort to get close to me 'cause there are only few people who got the guts to stand my attitude problem...

wheow! what's this about? what's going on? anong problema ko bakit parang may sarili akong mundo lately? hindi ko alam... hindi ko maintindihan...

someone just called me a while ago and the words i uttered repeatedly, MAY SASABIHIN KA PA BA? 

 so mean... and it doesn't feel great... 

i knew, he needs me... but i can't be there... and i knew i'm being so cruel... 

kahit isipin kong may kanya-kanya namang buhay ang bawat tao, bakit gano'n, parang hindi pwedeng wala na 'kong pakialam sa kanila...

ang hirap...

I'M BAD

i knew it's not right to compare or expect someone to become somebody else because it's what you want... hays! what i would do to make him realize  that i am wrong for him.. i made lies... i slammed the door.. and so, am i happy now?

16th Council-Wide Jamborette

 POWERPUFF GIRLS:)

 with Mam Juday:)

 Jessa and Vany:)

 Mga ABUNAS:)

 MORAL SUPPORT, supot!!! lol:)

BLOCKED

i know it's all my fault.. mali nga ako... i am being honest but he still pretends nothing's wrong... everything's not fine between us... and i don't care at all...

GLOW IN THE DARK lol:)

the controversial teddy hehe:)

Ecopark at Gabaldon, Nueva Ecija

STAR

it was just a simple gesture from a kid, but it means so much to me...

AT BAKET?!

hindi ko nga alam kung pa'no magrereact sa nabasa ko... magagalit ba 'ko? maaawa? makikisimpatya? aaminin kong gusto ko ng kausap tungkol sa bagay na 'to... gusto ko ng kakampi... pero kanino ako magsusumbong? sa pulis? pulis si erpat! haha:) hindi yata ako naging sumbungera sa buong buhay ko... alin lang naman sa dalawa ang ginagawa ko sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, nag-iingay ako o nananahimik ako... pero kung mag-iingay ako, sa anong dahilan? kung mananahimik ako, ano ang idadahilan ko?

sa totoo lang, isa lang ang ginagawa ko sa ngayon, ang isiping saling-pusa lang naman ako sa buhay nila.. iniisip kong hindi din naman sila magtatagal sa buhay ko.. hindi sila habang buhay na nand'yan... pagod na siguro ako... kaya hindi na ako umaasa... at siguro nga, hindi ko naman sila kailangan talaga, masaya naman ako kahit wala sila...

Ako at ang Alien:)

 Buttercup and Bubbles

DESPEDIDA ni SIR JOMS:)

"Todays beautiful moments are tomorrows beautiful memories..."

Arafes Le Cuisine, Kapt. Pepe

mamimiss mo sir joms ang mga abunas ng ACA:)

with my tita josie

 Continuation hehe:)

sa apartment nila Ma'am Judy

THINKING...

how can i break the bridge when we get there? haha! baliw ba? desperate to get out? eh ano nga! lol:) joking aside, after reading all the old messages of j.t. i decided to clear my mind... that's what i do when some things are disturbing me and i can't make a decision...

nobody knows what's running here in my head... i could write about my heartaches and disappointments here but there are still things deeper than that about me that i never let anyone see... kahit lasingin mo pa 'ko! hehe... ewan ko why i prefer to preserve them to myself... siguro they are the only portion i get strength from to balance things in my world when i could no longer find a reason to hope... amen!

tsk.. tsk.. almost 1am na gising pa din ako... parang walang klase bukas, adik! ano pa man 'tong kabaliwan na 'to, bukas ko na lang ulit itutuloy... wala ng epekto 'yung isang litrong softdrinks na ininom ko hehe, inaantok na 'ko... goodnight:)

NOT ME!

what the heck crossed into my head to show this pic to the whole world? huh! nothing! do i look like a gangster like what von commented on his status? haha!  oh, why? would this make me less respectable because i am an educator? this pic shows life... the simplicity of it... the cause... the effect... the moment that you give yourself the freedom to do anything you want... anything that makes you happy... agree?

anyway, i do drink, a lot, but i don't smoke... i've tried, once, and it was six years ago if i am not mistaken... i didn't enjoy the feeling so i never dared to do it again... so the cigarette was only intended for prop sa pictorial... haha! wala, trip lang... peace!

RESTORE?

it's saturday and i am not in the mood to go out because of the monthly happening to us girls.. i received a text from an unknown number and realized how inconsiderate i have been lately...

i made a cup of coffee and sat on our divan... i stared mom's garden and reflect on the cracks with my connection to some people close to me... there were text messages, calls, PMs, offline messages and even chats in fb that i didn't bother to answer.. maybe, i was too busy with carpet visitation, pressured with the expectations from the party of you know, or too enjoying my life with the new circle i have found, and i have no time to think of them... and care about them... didn't notice i lost my old friends already... i took for granted my relationships with them...

i want to say i'm sorry but that won't fix the damages i know... and i also know that i am not a lost for them... they could still live happily even without me... i don't want to say goodbye 'cause in my heart, they will forever have their space... we just need to face the reality that it's different now... should i say, i've changed? maybe, this is one of spices about growing old, getting through the way with new world and new self...

that's it... that's all i want to say...

but hey, when everything else fails in my life, i am assured i have a home and a loving dog, that i could embrace... and it's more than enough for me to be okay....

ILLEGAL ASSEMBLY

parang ako yata 'yon ah wahaha... nung nag-surrender kami ng mga envelope sa comelec, ibinagsak ko isa-isa sa harap nung staff, tapos sabi ko, ANO PANG KAILANGAN MO? sabi wala na... inilabas ko nga 'yung plastik na pinaglagyan nung pang-thumbmark at indelible, 'eto pa kako, hindi tinanggap... sabi ko, HINDI KAYO MARUNONG SUMUNOD SA GUIDELINES, NAKALAGAY SA GUIDELINES IBABALIK 'TO AH! nagkamot na lang sa ulo 'yung staff... hehehe... adik ba?

BIRTHDAY NI MA'AM JUDY... TOSS!

THE ART OF DRINKING hehehe:)

san carlos, aliga, nueva ecjia

;(

alam kong nang-aasar lang si nimrod na baka umiyak ako kanina... kung sigurong alam niya o nila ano man ang nandito sa loob ko, baka umiyak nga ako... pero itatago ko na lang ano man 'yon... wala 'to... lilipas din 'to...

BIGGEST MISTAKE

now that i've learned to forgive, there would never be room for regrets.. like the other turning point in my life, i am considering it as a learning experience... i am more at peace to leave it on that way... besides even if that person caused a huge damage inside me, i could never forget the way he made my life different... the way i've been happy in his arms...

sometimes, loving may not go the way we want it, but at least we are given a chance to share our life with other people... it may be devastating... it may be distressing... because it is the only we can completely grasp its meaning... its purpose... and its consequence...

it must be the most painful thing that ever happened to me, but he will always be special to me for once in my life, i have loved him so much... and now, i want a total closure about us... not because i want to forget him... because i have to.. to set myself free... i want to be able to love again... be happy again... without wondering about him anymore...

so this is it... really it... goodbye, pare...

BLAME IT ON THE WEATHERMAN

you had me at my best and you chose to break my heart....

CRUSH

the last time i had this feeling was jurassic years ago... remember pretty boy? hehe:)
it may seem impossible 'cause we don't even know each other sa totoong buhay.. pero may kilig factor nga kasi.. and you know that is all that i've ever wanted to achieve deep inside.. tsk.. tsk..  hopeless romantic! alam ko din naman na nag-iilusyon lang talaga ako.. pero okay na din kahit gano'n.. i'm happy even just this way especially at this point of confusion and uncertainties in my life...

GOODBYE, JUNA:(

we all agreed to stop mimicking her.. all this time, we thought it was okay to her... unknowingly, she has negative feeling towards us... to make up to her, please forget juna... from now on, don't ever call me on that way... i don't want to add more damages on what we've done because of our insensitivity... we are really sorry for all those times she just ignored the humiliation for being the center of amusement to many...  

peace, mam idna.. for the last time...

AWAKE!

sleeping the whole day and a vampire all night LOL:) i can do such adikness not until tom...

what i am doing at this time? listening to the television hehe while browsing blogs next to mine, want to get new ideas, be inspired on other's life... so surprising there are people, in spite of their busyness, they find time to blog, just like me...

aside from that, i am thinking... setting goals... whattt??! erase! erase! i just want to buy recipe book and learn to cook more dishes... PAGKAIN NA NAMAN!!! of course, that's one of the bestEST things about this life... hehe:) best na may EST pa... ngek! and it's all because of BLT... you will forget your name once you have tasted CREAMY SQUASH-CARROT SOUP... sarap! wheow! there are lots of paper works waiting on me kaya nag-iisip ako ng masarap... endless item analysis!!! so stressful...

for now, sleep mode na... we need to appear in lazaro at 8am... our presence is compulsory, moral support to the participants of SF... poot! poot! morning:)

PASAWAY

10am na nag-start ang botohan sa ACA at natapos ng 5pm... natapos man namin agad ang mga kailangang tapusin, hindi pa din kami nakauwi ng maaga dahil ayaw kaming ihatid ng mga pulis na naka-assign... napakahirap maging matino kapag puyat, pagod at gutom ka... yeah, right! sinapian na naman ako nung eleksyon... tsk.. tsk.. siyempre hindi ako matatahimik kapag wala akong ginawang eksena... wala naman akong pakialam kung sino man ang maiibyerna...

nung naisip na kaming ihatid, at nando'n na kami sa city hall, pinipigil kaming lumakad... abay ang gusto pa yata mag-fall in line kami at sabay-sabay magmamartsa sa pag-surrender ng mga gamit... sa sobrang bwisit ko ibinagsak ko 'yung ballot box sa semento ng malakas... adik kasi, ayun na lang kami, para ba kaming mawawala... hindi ako sumunod sa kanya... binitbit ko ulit 'yung ballot box at dumeretso ng lakad.. hindi ko siya pinansin kahit umuusok ang ilong niya sa bwisit sa 'kin... may nagawa ba siya? WALA! napigil niya ba 'ko? HINDI! akala niya siguro mababait ang lahat ng mga teachers... nagkamali siya ng inaakala..

naku! naku! kung hindi pa ko nag-tantrums, 3am na kaming nakauwi.. kaya naisip ko, minsan, may pakinabang din pala ko, wahaha:)

INTERMISSION

when i heard about their number, i wanted to walk out and go home.. but i couldn't leave party girl alone there so no choice, got to stay and watch them perform.. same feeling as before-- disgust, disappointment and boredom... i am not saying this because of hate.. yes, for a long time, i didn't bother to talk about what they've stolen from us because i knew god sees them all... besides, what we have formed now belongs to other's credit... as much as i wanted to feel bitter about it, i find it fair enough that we've been all dumped.. isn't that a good joke of life? what do you think?

it all started when i refused to favor them about the ground pres... because of so many issues... and most of all, the differences.. but to everybody's surprised, she had initiated to wave... to save her pride i supposed... but the conflicts didn't end there... in any institution, there are termites who wouldn't stop until everything will be off to destruction... no use to detail all the incidents that confronted us... that time, all i care about is how i could defend someone i always thought a friend to me, so sad, maling-mali ako...

anyway, things happened... despite of all, that friend i am talking about, we are still friends, in calling... whenever she needs me, she knows where to find me... she remains one of the persons i look up to so much, somehow, because i could never erase the fact that i have learned a lot from her... from being a corner-girl to moving in the wide circle of plasticness... that's okay anyway... at least i have experienced some ups and outs of the grim world down there...

it is really true, it's hard to find true friends in this world... so better guard yourself at all times... no regrets, as always... i already junk the sad and bad memories i had with them... but of course, the good times we had shared will always be treasured... toss? ^-^

PENCIL PUSH

"wala ka ng pag-asang maging pulis, underheight ka na, overage ka pa! T1 ka na lang ba habangbuhay? o plain housewife? eh hindi ka na din naman pwedeng mag-GRO!" [sabi ni boy, sabay tawa ng malakas]... huh! SALAMAT SA PANG-AALIPUSTA! you're such an honest friend, boy!

honestly, i am contented where i am right now... no choice eh! wahaha:) go back to school? OH, NO! not likely the thing i wanted at this point... maybe when i reach 30, i will... tsk. tsk.. forever this way is not that bad as being a bum... why not! you know i wouldn't long for something greater... for a higher position, if i can't do it well... that's not me... at wala nga akong pangarap sa buhay, remember?

siguro nga, i am only here for a living...  bonus na lang ang mga kids who touch my life... kahit pa'no, para sa iba, may kabuluhan naman ang buhay ko... sabi ko nga din, kung wala na 'kong magawa para sa sarili ko, may magagawa naman ako para sa iba, okay na 'yon... masaya na 'ko ng gano'n... wala namang mali o masama sa kung ano mang mga pagtitiis ang ginagawa ko sa mundong ginagawalan ko sa ngayon...

kung maiisip ko mang mangarap ulit, hindi na dito... like, balik kalye witt... wittt... just kidding... there are plans of course... may mga responsibilities lang akong kailangang tapusin... hopefully by next year, maka-fly-fly na somewhere... travel-travel.. whoaah... adventure lang naman ang hanap ko sa buhay... not rank or anything... iba-iba lang talaga tayo ng definition ng achievement, happiness and purpose... and it's so happen na masyado na 'kong matagumpay kung standard ko lang ang pagbabasihan ng mga 'yon... ang pinaka-importante naman sa 'kin, kasama ko sila mama at papa at mga kapatid ko.. kahit na habangbuhay na lang akong teacher, buhay ko naman 'to noh! WALA NAMAN KAYONG PAKIALAM! is that clear?!

SURRENDER

i got 12 miscalls.. didn't hear my phone was ringing 'cause i often left it in my room when i'm busy-busyhan... charing! okay confess, even if i heard it, i wouldn't answer it either... hmpp... the last ring they made, i intentionally ignored... what for? hmpp, i know party girl will nag me if she would learn about this... [boto ang lola mo].. so cruel of me... i did it for one reason, i give up...

i thank them for their kindness to me... for welcoming me in their family in spite of the undeclared status with you know... it's just that i can't be the person who would be a part of their life forever... i know i am wrong for letting this come this far... i just want to be sure if i could learn to accept that he must be my fate... maybe some things are not that easy to embrace especially if you don't get the contentment that you wish to achieve.. i wasn't joking when i ask him to let me go... after all, it's what i really wish from him... all this time, instead of learning to love him, he is becoming a burden to me... keeping him doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel guilty as we stay connected to each other, longer...

i'm sorry to say all these... i know it hurts... but i can't lie to myself... you would think i am being unfair with him, sort of... but life's like that, now i am the one who is causing the injury to other people.. and the only way i could return the favor he had done for taking the chance of loving me is to set him free... he is a good person, it doesn't feel good to hurt him, it feels better... 'cause i know he doesn't deserve me.. he deserves to be happy with someone who will love him sincerely... and i know, someday, he'll thank me for doing this...

CARPET VISITATION

we wish tom they will attack our school so we could rest our minds next week.. astig ba? haha.. we are not that sooo confident, we just knew whatever may be their VIOLENT REACTIONS to some things we don't have, it's not the end of the world... after all, those stupid things written in their checklist could never measure our worth as an educator... those are just requirements... not the reality in front of our learners... cheer!

RESOLVED?

after a week of silence, i decided to blow the bomb inside me..
the only way i see to make myself at peace, once and for all, is to be honest with him..
i told him i got offended when i opened his account and read his chat with his cousin:  
>WALA YATA SIYANG SAPI NGAYON..  
>I DON'T LIKE HER...
>HINDI KO GUSTO ANG PAGSAGOT NIYA..  
>HALATANG HINDI PA MATURE... 
>TEACHER SIYA, DAPAT LAWAKAN NIYA ANG PANG-UNAWA NIYA..

even she said she is not comparing me to jonathan's X, the impact struck the same.. what pressed me so hard about this was his reply, PASENSIYA NA, BATA PA KASI SIYA.. sana sinabi na lang niya na-- GANO'N SIYA TALAGA, HINDI NICE...

for a while, i felt i was crushed and distorted... and ayie is out of reach at this time... i have no one to run... he is the only one i knew who see me better... i clung to that lasing-lasing mode because i felt i don't deserve to be considered as if i will not do or say anything right dahil isa lang akong bata..
alam kong hindi ako lovable, sabi nga ni ayie, mahirap akong mahalin.. but it doesn't mean wala na 'kong gagawing tama o mabuti... feeling ko wala na silang titignan kundi ang mga mali at pagkukulang ko...

i dared him to let me go.. but he didn't let us to end just like that... and i don't know if i would thank him for holding on tighter through my imperfections... i put down my pride so we can settle "my" problem to him.. maybe, i was wrong at some things i've said to ate susan and i am sorry...

i am aware there are still things i need to outgrow.. i am trying to keep myself bearable, in some way, but please understand, kahit teacher ako, hindi talaga ako perfect... at hindi na 'ko bata, sadyang ganito lang talaga 'ko... dahil ito ako...

DOMINO EFFECT

though i don't blame that person for causing us to be the hot spot in our area, i would rather ask if it's fair enough to consider or mark everybody as if we don't give a damn about our job? as far as i can see to my fellow educators, they perform more than what is written in our daily lp... and may i ask, who knows about a teacher's sacrifices, no one can tell about how we make each day different for every child we teach... i am not saying i am a perfect teacher, but the percentage of my intention to serve is always 100% though i admit i have deficiency in some aspects, but still, i don't neglect my responsibilities to the kids... and i guess, that's the most important... how we make something happen for the betterment of their lives...

LOADED

want to crumple all the papers on my study table or fold them and make origamis-- stars.. cubes.. pyramids.. prisms, prisms chuva! proud to say, it's one of the things i could do best... but anyway, all those stupid forms are needed, so badly, for the carpet visitation of ESs starting next week...

i can't pretend as if i wouldn't care whatever may be the outcome of their evaluation to us... i am not aiming for an excellent remark, but i am not wanting to be one of the disappointments to our school...

just wondering what is the reason why they make such stupid move.. call of duty? to frighten us? to put us down by looking at our shortcomings and weaknesses?

if you would try to intellectualize why we are on this field, we are here because of the kids... not to please them by completing all the stupid reports they require us to accomplish... is it more important that we focus on the development of our pupils? if i am wrong, then correct me LOL:)

SWEET CORN

pepz made a joke it should be bitter, tsk.. i never tell him anything but we've been friends for more than a decade, he could sense if there is something wrong.. i just told him, WALA 'TO... yeah, it's nothing now... i just want to go back in dunkin' one of these days and try it again with toppings...

NEED A HUG...

whether the choice i've made was wrong or fair, the damage has been done... i just need some time... some space to cry.. though some old friends are always there extending their ears, i still want ayie to be the one to comfort me at this instance... but he is out of reach... no choice, got to regain myself on my own...

WHAT WENT WRONG?

what if i showed her my meanest, she would not just dislike me, she'd hate me or curse me to death if i did... i may not need her approval but her words stirred me so much to the point i decided to go on my own now... i have this feeling they will only look at my mistakes and shortcomings while i am connected to them... and knowing me, i am prone to errors... prinsesa ng sablay! does it mean i will always be compared to someone who seems to be so perfect for them? or i will be regarded like a criminal everytime i fail to meet their expectations dahil teacher nga ako... bullshit 'di ba? so why let this bother me all my life if i could shut them out of my world... do i need to become different for them to think that i am deserving to be a part of their life? sorry, i am not that submissive... not that numb... i can't afford to lose my identity just to be the best for them... i am what i am, love me or hate me, I DON'T CARE...

now, i won't mind whatever negative thing they would say about me, i am no longer attached to them... i admit, it hurts a bit... it makes me sad, somehow... thank god there are people who can relate how it feels like to be treated that bad... that lasing-lasing thing, though not literally, helps me to cope up in a short time... and of course, idna's best, the best!

LASING!

picking up the pieces of my life...

what they've done was very offensive on my part... but thanks to them... they made me realize where i should stand, and it's away from their touch... i could never ever be the person that they expect me to be... i could never be the best... this is just me... not perfect... full of flaws and weaknesses...

i'm done... it's done... i've given it a try... it's enough... besides, how can i fight for something i don't even intend to keep forever? that hurts i know but it's the only way we can be free... live with the truth... and i am sorry... i cannot give something that i don't possess...

if i am being wrong, it's because i want what's best for all... maybe it's hard to understand my intention, i'll just pray at the right time, they would learn to accept it... and forgive me...

AYIE...

hindi ko alam kung saan ka kokontakin;( i need you... because you see me better than anybody...

BE THE BEST?

i won't try to do things i don't feel like doing... i don't mind receiving all the rejections and criticisms for being contrary to what you expect me to be... hate me, go! i am used to it, being hated by everybody...
and i won't fight for something just to keep it for myself... it will make me happier to see it go and grow out of my touch...well, that's just one side of me, i am hard but i am not selfish...

Need SUPERPOWER

4:30 nasa cic ako, 5 nasa bdo, tapos namalengke ako, 6pm na din akong nakauwi... sobrang pagod... magsusulat pa 'ko ng lesson plan at gagawa ng mga devices... at gagawin ko pa 'yung report ni mam juday about teachers day... kahit gusto kong mag-diet hindi ako maka-diet kasi sa sobrang dami ng stress, pagkain na lang talaga ang kaligayahan ko hehe... dinner time! yummy!

SATISFIED:)

i have no reason to regret why i welcomed him... through the countless rejections he received from me, he still cares... i knew only one person who did the same to me, sir archie... he deserves the chance i've given him... though i cannot say at this time that i already love him, it doesn't matter.. maybe, i'll get there... i just need more time to let it grow... as of now, it's enough that we are happy... at peace... especially we got the blessings of both parties... we respect and trust each other even we are apart... i won't expect or demand anything from him, all i want is just loyalty for this relationship... and it's all that matters to me...

but just in case, we'll end this eventually, no one could tell, i can always continue my life, pursue my dream.. or leave cabanatuan forever LOL:) ilusyon! it's not that i don't love him.. because one of the painful things i've learned about this life, some things are not meant to be... if letting go is for the best, i am willing to take the sacrifice...

HAPPY MONTHSARY:)

LOL! magka-chat kami ngayon... sa march daw uuwi siya... may utang daw akong date sa kanya... 'wag na kako, maiinlove lang siya ulit sa 'kin.. sumakit ang tiyan ko sa kakatawa dahil sa sinagot niya na 'to...

chris****_g****: pagnainlove ako ulit sayo di wala ng babalikan ung mangingisda mo..

wahahaha:) adik!

never thought this day would come he'll be nothing to me... that i would say I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE... 'WAG MO NA 'KONG JAMINGIN PA, bla..bla..bla... kahit may konting sumbatan at sisihan factor, we just laugh over the things that happened... and it's good... no more bitterness... better for both of us... wala ng samaan ng loob in spite of all... i'm happy for him, for having many girlfriends hehe, PEACE! and i'm sure he's happy for me, too, for a new lovelife that i have found after all the hurt he caused me... hehe...

looking back since the day we started until circumtances put us an end, no regrets... anyway, we love and get hurt for a reason... everything that happened to us has its purpose... i would  like to think he is included in the package of my frustration with my dream to be an ayer... to teach me to dream again and love again.. to help me grow and let go.. and to make me a better and wiser person today... cheer!

Straining All Over...

mountain of dirty clothes... mountain of paper works... fountain of stress.. so stressful hehe... hay! hay! hay!!! lots of things i am bound to accomplish are really draining... physically demanding... and mentally, torture! even i want to neglect them, i can't do... each day, no more room to discontinue doing my responsibilities... well, that is called commitment... ahemmm... even i can no longer breathe, i keep on going.. because no one in this world would ever care to do all these, except myself... wheeww... ice cream! ice cream! kahit bawal! yipee!!!

ONE GREAT LOVE

IMPROVED to DRAWING GRADE ONE lol:)

no harm in trying:)

DISCOURAGED

a friend was convincing me last month to pass my folder because all applicants are under quota in R3... this must be my chance... and why the heck i'd put it aside... you know how much i wanted it...

some things just came too hard... i cannot guarantee if i could endure difficulties along with embracing it... never thought i'd come to this point i'll stop trying...

but don't worry... i am fine... this is not the first time it feels like all things are falling... it's okay... i am used to it... i know how i would still live the most of my life...

BEFORE AND AFTER

see the big BIG difference???

well, i am a lot better now compare when i was young..

TIME does really make us different.. for the best..

also visit http://jonarizza.blogspot.com/2010/03/july-28-2000.html

HOLD ON;(

as much as i can i'm repressing what i really feel... it's hard to be strong.. and it's harder when you pretend to be fine just to make them feel okay... i admit, giving up is approaching and i am not sure if i could win it or i'd just let it end everything... i'm really sorry... i am not that brave like what i am supposed to be... i am done... done trying and waiting...

BESTMAN

remember the text message about a bride who is sad on her wedding day because she is not marrying the best man? HAHA... wala lang... naisip ko lang..

i was asking chris a while ago, the man i thought was best for me, to be my bestman probably by next year {ilusyon!} just find it amusing to tease ayie or chris who were once involved with me romantically, to be my bestman when i decided to get married... HAHA... funny! never thought the men who broke my heart before are my comforter now... i share my happiness with them, and maybe my sadness, at the same time... well, it only proves one thing, TIME DOES HEAL...and the best thing is, we remain BEST OF FRIENDS... isn't it ironic? don't you think? hehe:) ALANIS!!! 

MARRIAGE??? oh nooooo!!! i am still young... i am not yet ready... as of this time, i just want to go after my dream... don't stop me, please... it doesn't matter if i won't succeed... what's important to me is, i never lose hope... and i do everything that i could to reach it...

i want to change my priorities... i want to just stay where i am right now... teacher forever... be just like everyone else i know... but i can't... yeah, i want to have my own family someday, be a wife, be called mommy, but not now... sorry to say this, it's not all that i wish to be in my life... ayie was wrong for saying, IBA 'YUNG MAY PAMILYA KA, MAY DIREKSYON... yeah, right... talking about direction, does he have it? tsk.. tsk... tsk... i don't mean to deride about his status or condition... i just hate the implication of his words that i am heading the wrong way for staying single... and what is the right way anyway? live in complications? no, thanks! i'm still sane...

WHY OH WHY

ayie is right, it's only me who can decide for myself... as long as i am not hurting anybody, i'll go for someone who makes me happy... and no one can stop me... no one has the right to cease my happiness... i don't need anyone's approval for what i want or who i want to be with... and i don't see any reason why you wouldn't want to see me happy... so can you be happy for me, my friend?

INVI:)

been thinking about it since yesterday hehe... the colors, designs, the content ahayyyy... what's goin' on to me? what he had done to me? haha... well, he just made me happier and gave me clearer direction in life... and i would like to thank him for everything... for a more matured jona that i am now... for coming into my life... and for staying in spite of shutting him out many times before... anyway, it doesn't matter anymore... what's important now is we are starting a life, with only me and him...

JUST FOR A MOMENT

hindi naman 'yon simpleng pagkikita lang.. isa 'yong pamamaalam... habang palayo 'yung sasakyan niya nung naghiwalay na kami, i knew i will never be the same again... gusto ko ngang umiyak.. maaaring nandun pa din ang dating damdamin ko para sa kanya pero matagal ko ng tinanggap na hindi kami para sa isa't isa... siguro, kung hindi lang komplikado ang lahat, i will stand up for him... pero 'yun nga, hindi na tama... hindi na dapat... alam ko naman, some things... some people are not meant to be... may mga bagay man akong hindi magawa o hindi masabi, dahil may mga tao akong pinahahalagahan na ayokong masaktan... gusto ko mang hingin ang pang-unawa nila pero para ano pa kung hindi din naman nila maibibigay... basta hayaan nyo na lang akong panatilihin siyang bahagi ng buhay ko dahil kahit ano pa man o sino pa man siya, mahal ko pa din siya at isa pa din siyang kaibigan para sa 'kin... at hinding-hindi na 'yon magbabago lumipas man ang panahon...

DIREKSYON

may gusto akong gawin... gusto kong buhayin ang isang kwento... isang simpleng kwento... isang imposibleng kwento... bakit nga ba kasi mali ang panahon noon at ngayon?

Sweet 24:)

forever sweet of course hehe... just happy.. one of the reasons why i'm happy, because you know, everybody knows, i decided to get myself out of the forever single list... but to tell you honestly, i'm not expecting anything from him now that he is away... if he will come back, that's good, if he won't (THAT'S BETTER, FIND ANOTHER LOL), it's okay... Sabi ko nga 'yung huling hinatid ko sa airport hindi na 'ko binalikan, iba ang binalikan hehe... well, it's already buried in the past... i know it's unfair to compare him to my Xs so with all due respect i'll obey him not to think negatively... he is different... ours is different from what i had with the men i've loved before LOL... so as much as i can, i will keep my mind free from worries and doubts.. to make our relationship at peace while we are living happily separated hehe:)

a friend told me i've changed... "MATURED NA"... hmppp... i am not aware hehe... Maybe... i rarely use my tantrums to get what i want or do what pleases me... i am now conscious about the side effects of my moves... because of the people around me that i respect and give their trust to me... sometimes i see myself talking and acting differently, very far from the problem child you used to know... not convinced? why, don't i have the right to grow? hehe:) give me a chance, will you?

i know as i grow older, things will be harder... and that sometimes, i will get to the point of quitting, but one thing i'll assure you, i will bounce back... i've met a lot of obstacles upon reaching this age... i've had lots of discouragements and disappointments... i've had my heart broken, always... i've been hurt... i've cried... i've been lost for so many times... but if you would ask me if i have any regret or is there anything that i would like to edit in my life, my answer is none... everything that happened was the pieces that made me the person that i am now...  better and stronger...


now, let me take this chance to acknowledge and give my unwavering love and respect to those people who mean so much to me... that without them, i know all these things that i am saying won't be possible... thank you! thank you for everything... forgive me if i won't make this long... i am sleepy already hehe:)

happy birthday to me tomorrow... drink! DRINK! drink!

WHAT IF.....

if i said yes... would it make me happier?

 

ilusyon!!! really frustrating.. i like him, but i have to face it.. yeah, there is a dream that "love" is about us.. but the best answer i could give to him is NO.. and it means embracing the reality that me and him is CANNOT BE...  i am just an ordinary girl and i knew there are many women out there who can be more than i could never be that he deserves... that's it.. i guess, i have to put this an end... anyway, thanks to him.. i will always remember him as a special person who made me smile and gave me hope that i could fall in love again after all...

thank you rodel... and goodbye...