Jowa's Watermelon Plantation LOL=)

halata na ba ang tiyan? haha, one month preggy: )

POSITIVE!

couldn't help post it... confirmed! i'll be a mom soon... am so happy!

LEARNING.....

Lots of things happened for the past six months… Lots of tears were shed… Lots of pain was felt… Lots of sacrifices were made… Lots of instances no hope was left…

There were times I wish to regret the things and people I chose… But I know that could not change what had been.. My life is not programmed in power director that I could remove some circumstances I dragged myself into… What I only wanted to achieve in my life is peace within…  My heart was filled with pain and anger that I could not breathe sometimes… I knew if I would not overcome them, I will always feel defeated and I will live in vain forever… I’ve learned that all those wounds will only heal when I would learn to forgive myself… Because that’s the only time I could also give forgiveness to those people who broke me… Forgiveness means accepting the things that cannot be changed… damages that cannot be repaired…

I’ve realized that when you get older, it is a must to face everything all by yourself… as a matured person you should try to start and end each day you are okay, if not for yourself, for the people who need you and believe in you… At all times we just need to be at our strongest to get through…

I’ve stepped on to another level of maturity but I know that there’s a lot more that will test me... My spirit may go on low mode sometimes but I will make sure that whatever happens, I’ll stick on my faith with god…

IT’S OVER?

early in the morning i texted PEPE to see me at crosing.. Something hapend.. i got fed up about trying to make that relationship work.. i realized its not worth the fight anymore.. but there isnt any reason to feel sorry for the things that had been. i knew i gave my best.. and I AM DONE...

Time heals anyway, as what my friends often tell me everytime.. yes, i am sure about it, bcoz thats the only asurance i get from all that ive gone through.. besides, it is not my lost! PEOPLE COME AND GO in my life.. id rather think this is just another chance to see myself shine on other things and be happy with the people who truly respect and love me, THE WAY I AM... cheer!

WHATS FOREVER FOR?

i dont knw wer i got d courage 2 utter ITS OKAY wen he said gudbye 2 me. maybe i was able 2 hide dat it didnt afect me but d truth is it wasnt dat simple.. it meant a lot.. and it took a lot. i felt a sense of being lost. sudenly i felt afraid. didnt knw how i wud make each day without dat person hu always makes me feel beter when d rest of d world breaks me..
maybe there wil come a point n our lives dat standing alone is a must. we may stumble and fall along d way but even2ali learning wil take its place. because dats life, we shud learn 2 acept dat there is rili no permanent but CHANGE..

WHERE'S MY TEDDY?

Life was never the same again since the day he opted to disconnect with me... maybe since that day, i've learned to grow up... i was forced to be independent emotionally... 'cause aside from V, he is the only person i knew who could see and understand me, the way i am...
perhaps, i get sad because my birthday is near, maybe i want to spend that day with him, just like before, no matter how complicated the situation may seem...
maybe he is no longer with me physically, but he will forever stay here in my heart because of all the lessons that he taught me and all the ideals and aspirations that he constructed in me that instigate me to be a better person at all times...

"WHEREVER YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM MISSING YOU SO MUCH"... -Bi

DISAPPOINTED

someone fabricated a story that she wasn't well-informed about the details of cookfest in nutrition month celebration,  which i am the coordinator... our head called for a meeting just because of that... i wanted to scream and slap on her face that not all things are need to be spoon-feed... that we have COMMON SENSE, what we need to do is USE IT... but i chose to be silent... she will be happier if i blew my temper... i don't know what does she wants to prove for everything... there's no need for me to say anything to defend myself because i am not guilty...  as far as i know, i've done all the best that i could to make the program successful.. after all, the event is not for the teachers, it's for the KIDS....

COWARD

i know i've been running away from everything instead of facing the possibilities... the relationship scares me... the commitment scares me even more... and the responsibilities scare me the most...

maybe, i am not really worthy... what i only deserve is to be hurt and be sad for the rest of my life... and it is best on that way because i am used to it....

RED DAYS

first week of classes, super stressed ako, not because of the loads in school, because i was so worried about being hmppppp preggy........ [sigh] it's not that i don't want a baby... of course i'd love to be a mom... but not now... i was relieved when i had my monthly period on the weekend...

if ever nabuo, i'll be moving out, kakayanin ko lahat ng mag-isa... talagang ganon, bunga ng kalandian yon... pero i promise hindi ko ipapangalan sa tatay niya... yeah i know, ang sama ko talaga... pinakakasalan na nga ako, umaayaw pa 'ko tapos ganon pa ang gagawin ko... ano ba talaga ang problema ko?

i want jonathan out of my life... tinatanong ako ng ibang kaibigan, EH BAKIT LAGI MO PA DIN KASAMA? deep inside me, alam ko na one day magsasawa din siya at mapapagod sa 'kin kaya hindi ko na kailangang pahirapan ang sarili ko sa pagtataboy sa kanya... alam ko na siya na din ang kusang lalayo sa 'kin kaya hihintayin ko na lang ang araw na 'yon...

oo, alam ko, ang sama-sama ko... ang walangya ko... berat ako... luka-luka... ano pa ba?

sabihin na ng lahat ang sasabihin nilang masama about me pero wala pa din naman silang alam kung ano talaga ang nandito sa loob ko... wala namang nakakaalam at nakakaunawa sa damdamin ko...

pero ano pa man ang pinagdadaanan ko i still have to go on, for the kids... 47 kids... i have 47 reasons to live... 'yung kung ano ako ngayon, 'yun na lang ang mahalaga sa 'kin at nagbibigay sa 'kin ng direksyon sa buhay ngayon...okay na din 'yon.. enough to be happy...

CROSSING THE BOUNDARIES

honestly, after all, I still don’t want to include him in my plans, I can’t see him with me in the very far future… indeed it won’t be surprising if one day I would wake up without him in my life anymore… what is so wrong? so unacceptable? So unpleasant about him? Or rather, spending my life with him? well, the problem is not with him… but with me… because I am too strong, too proud to give in… too damn controlled of my pride... 

Wish I could talk what’s really here inside me… even this blog can’t seem to be comfortable to hold on… LOGOUT!

RENDEZVOUS

sakto ang isang pangyayari kaya hindi ako nakapalag nung umaga na pinapunta ni mama ang parents ni jonathan sa bahay... may mali ako alam ko... pero i really can't force myself to jump into marriage because of guilt... hindi pag-aasawa lang ang option ko para may mangyaring matino sa buhay ko...

a week before that disgusting night, sabi ni papa, ayaw mong mag-aral kaya mag-asawa ka na lang... ang pakiramdam ko walang kwenta ang buhay ko para sa kanila kaya nila 'ko pinagtutulakan magpakasal... shit 'di ba?

alam kong nakakahiya ako sa inasal ko, sobra! but i know, i just did the right thing... 'yung ipakita sa kanila na ayoko... nakakahiya na kung nakakahiya kaysa magsisisi lang din ako in the end na hiya lang ang naging basehan ko ng pagpapamilya... lilipas din naman 'yon...

i am not yet ready in all aspects...  sa natanggap kong dalawang sampal kay papa, i admit may impact deep inside...  umiyak ako ng umiyak ng umiyak... kahit na si sir archie hindi ako maicomfort... pero napaisip ako... naisip kong siguro it's about time... time to move out... live alone... be alone... para mag-isang-mag-isa na talaga ako... sanay naman ako mag-isa... walang karamay... walang nakakaunawa... walang nagmamahal... hayyssss... SELF-PITY!!!

sabi ni ate, hindi pwedeng takbo ng takbo... hmppp... hindi ko ugaling ipaglaban ang space ko sa buhay ng iba dahil ayokong maramdaman na hindi naman talaga ako parte ng buhay nila, na isa lang akong saling pusa.... na eventually mawawala din sila at iiwan ako... kaya mainam na din 'to... mainam na hindi ko na lang siya tignan sa future... i know playing safe ako, pero ayoko ng mag-explain... sooooo tired;(

I AM LEGEND

proud pa na kahit kailan talaga panira ako... hahaha=) ipinaglaban ko lang ang sarili ko... hindi ako tumakas, hinarap ko sila... 'yun lang, puro iyak... wala akong kahit sino na nasandalan, lahat ng tao muhi sa 'kin... pero napatunayan kong napakasarap palang maging matapang at maging malaya...

malaki ang nawala sa 'kin pero wala akong pagsisisi... babangon ako at mabubuhay ng masaya after all... sisiw! cheer!

;(

mahina ako ngayon at honestly, durog ang pagkatao.. pero masaya ako sa naging desisyon ko... mas gugustuhin ko na 'to kaysa maging malakas at buo na wala naman akong kapayapaan sa sarili ko...

LETTING GO...

for a long time, i have been trying to consider the relationship instead of burying everything that we had to nothing... i have always left my door open because for me he is a family... for me... yes, it was only me who thought about us on that way... only me to blame...

i should have cried when he chose to close his door to me... i should have breakdown... maybe, i am too tired bridging the differences... too tired believing that i am not alone in all of my battle... 'cause the truth is, he is no longer there for me.. but it's not my lost... i have loved truly and deeply.. and it will always be worth it... i have never regret anything or anyone in my life...

people come and go... people love me, leave me, hate me, hurt me.. but i still live my life in spite of all... i move on... i forgive... i may not forget but when i remember, i remember how i've been happy and how i've been a better and stronger person because of them...

i don't want to say goodbye... i will grow old without you but i will never outgrow you as a part of me... you will always be in my heart... thank you for everything...

KAHAPON

even i was drunk that night, I-4's sms sink in to me... but i didn't reply... even i really wanted to burst... alam kong napakanipis niya, anu mang salita ang sasabihin ko, alam kong dadamdamin na naman niya... pinilit ko pa din namang maging considerate... i tried my hardest to hold my temper but when i saw her in the morning, BOOOOMMMM!!! alam niyo naman siraulo ko, papatulan ko talaga, hindi ko kayang palagpasin lalo na at madami na siyang taong pineperwisyo, hindi lang ako... and honestly, hindi ko matanggap lahat ng sinabi niya sa 'kin... kahit pa'no tinitignan ko pa din 'yung pagiging matanda niya sa 'kin.. naiiyak ako sa pagpipigil magwala sa galit dahil ayokong maging masyadong mabangis... pero hindi porke't matanda siya sa 'kin siya na ang tama, at ako na bata, ako ang mali... dapat matuto din siyang gumalang sa damdamin ng iba para igalang din ng iba ang damdamin niya... hindi ako takot mapagalitan ni mam dulce o ni mam madelon dahil sa pagpapamukha ko sa kanya kung ga'no siya kawalang kwentang tao... ginawa ko 'yon para matauhan siya... para matuto siyang isaalang-alang din ang iba...

naawa na lang din naman ako sa kanya... dahil 'yung mga itinuro niyang mga kaibigan daw niya, dineny lang din siya... tsk... tsk.. tsk...

nakakatawa na lang dahil lagi akong ginagamit ni lord pambala sa kanyon... siguro dahil hindi ako takot iexpress ang sarili ko... hindi ako takot mag-isip at magsalita... at marunong akong tumanggap ng kahinaan at pagkakamali... maswerte pa din ako sa madaming bagay...

ayoko din naman ng gulo kaya humingi din ako ng pasensiya... at gano'n din naman siya sa 'kin... case closed=)

JACOB

so happy to know about this new chapter in his life..... wish he is sharing the happiness with me... [sigh]

ano pa mang lungkot ang nararamdaman ko ngayon, lilipas din, alam ko... at ang buhok ko, hahaba ulit... if i feel so ugly now, i will feel beautiful again, i hope, soon...

wala man akong makuhang dahilan para bumangon, pipilitin ko pa ding mabuhay ng kontento sa ano pa man ako... sa ano pa mang meron lang ako...

INSIDE OF ME

noon, kahit na alam kong walang kwenta ang buhay ko, okay lang, dahil alam kong may isang taong proud pa din sa 'kin... ano pa man ako... ngayon, wala man lang masaya for me... kahit na anong mangyari, alam kong may kakampi ako, alam kong may isang tao akong pwedeng ipagmalaki na meron ako... na may isang taong nandiyan... mahal ako...
siya lang ang meron ako... kaya nung nawala siya, lalo kong naramdaman ang pag-iisa... at lalo akong naging vulnerable...ang hirap-hirap ng wala siya... ang hirap-hirap maging malakas at matapang pala... dahil nung nandiyan siya, kapag hindi ko na kaya, siya ang lumalaban para sa 'kin...

ngayon, ayoko ng humarap sa madaming pagkakataon... tuluyan na kong pinanghinaan ng loob lumaban... para na lang akong naghihintay ng oras ko... walang pangarap... walang direksyon... walang-wala na akong makuhang dahilan para bumangon ulit...

SHORT HAIR

there's only one reason whenever i come up to this ugly decision, i hate the world...

HINDI KO NAMAN HINIHINGING MAAPPRECIATE NYO AKO.....................

one of the remarkable lines from the pot's piece last year during the harapan at laglagan moment... gusto ko lang ulitin, hindi ko naman hinihinging maappreciate nyo ako, pero huwag nyo naman akong idown...

pero ano pa bang magagawa ko... the damage has been done... hindi naman niya din kailangan pang maguilty... i hate to be mean, as usual, kaya nanahimik na lang ako....

i am not asking for any recognition or acknowledgement, pero masakit din pala 'yung pakiramdam na parang wala kang kwenta after all of my effort and sacrifices...

tama na din.. ayoko namang gawing issue pa 'to.. better keep it to myself... 

WISH

you have no idea what's running here in my head... i don't know what's this emptiness about... or maybe i just wish someone is right here beside me, watching cinderella's sister with me... or maybe i want that feeling, too, as what zarren is experiencing on tonight's episode, the feeling of being in love... spending time with the man i love...

maiinlove pa kaya ako ulit? hahaha=) sana... ang hirap naman kasing piliting maramdaman ang isang bagay na hindi mo naman talaga nararamdaman...

SIR ARCHIE

siguro hindi ko na maibabalik ang pagkakaibigan natin pero hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan kung pa'no ka naging kaibigan sa 'kin... sorry kung hindi man ako naging kaibigan sa'yo kahit kailan... alam ko naman na hindi mo 'ko mapapatawad sa lahat... pero kung sakaling dumating 'yung araw na maisipan mong lumingon, nandito lang ako... para sa 'kin, ikaw pa din ang bestfriend ko...

LOVE IS.....

there's only one principle i follow when it comes to love, LETTING GO...  but it doesn't mean i'm losing a part of me, instead it makes me feel complete for the spaces inside me have been filled of special memories by those people i have loved and let go...

RIGHT WAY

as usual nag-ubusan na naman kami ng pera ni ma'am judy... 'yun lang naman ang libangan naming dalawa... i bought myself girly stuffs... nagdadalaga ba? sort of hehe=) and some things na dadalin ko pag-alis ko bukas...

hmmm... alam kong hindi ito ang panahon para maging mahina dahil 43 bata ang responsibilidad kong turuan plus 40 bata sa BLT ang inaasikaso ko araw-araw... kailangan ko lang talagang huminga... umiyak... i will leave tom after class... 2 days lang siguro akong mawawala... feeling ko maoospital na naman ako sa tigas ng ulo ko, lahat ng bawal 'yun ang mga inaatupag ko... kaya bago pa mangyari 'yan, aalis na muna ko, para tumakas kahit saglit lang... tama ang isang kaibigan, duwag lang talaga ako... ayoko kasing harapin ang totoo...

minsan kasi, hindi naman ganon lang 'yon... basta alam kong wala naman akong pagsisihan kasi i've been there, okay na 'yon... tama na 'yon para sa 'kin... kahit naman lumaban ako kung nandon 'yung pakiramdam na hindi ako deserving, wala ding kapupuntahan ang lahat... lilipas din 'to... it's best to let it go and give way... to others way...

WIN-LOST

if i'm not mistaken, this is our seventh week devoting every wed to god... they say when you do such sacrifice, you want to ask something from him... at first, mam judy and i only wanted to thank him for saving us on that incident in front of former melanios.. then as we continue doing this, i have been asking him to heal someone... whatever reason i have for doing this, only god understands..

yesterday, i couldn't help it.. i pm cherryflor... the single word sent means desperation... i grew up away from the world around me... i used to build a link that never allow anyone to enter my life... and the only person i knew who is not afraid to dissolve that link is my bestfriend, stit... sorry... it was the only way i see to comfort myself... i cannot talk about this to anyone 'cause i keep on denying it... i never let them perceive the real thing inside me... i should be proud about it... brag it to the whole wide world... but it is something that i don't want to admit even to my own self..

whatever this thing that bothers me, it will pass... i have gone this way for so many times... i am too strong to let this defeat me... just in case this may scar me deeper than before, i know i can hold on to life's always assurance that time does change how things used to be... ^-^

UNFAIR

do you think i am still interested to hear you explaining yourself? what for? you have succeeded to put me at stake... don't push me to the edge... if this is the price for everything, it will be best to keep myself restrained... but inside, you know what i want to tell you, I DON'T DESERVE THIS!

THANKS=)

I feel a great sense of pride when big sis encouraged me to apply for a certain job to kuya lester's gf... it was really surprising... didn't expect she believes in me that much... of course i am very proud... the achiever is pushing the loser to spread her wings and grow... that is an achievement for me... though i haven't undergo the assessment yet... this opportunity means so much to me... it boosts my spirit.. even this wouldn't be my line of work for the better, i gain more strength to strive harder to become greater on where i am right now... i may not be of the best on this field but i always keep on hold with my duties and responsibilities... i perform more than what is required... i exert more than what is expected... and i owe all these to a lot of people who never get tired of listening to my hang ups all these years... i do appreciate their patience... for the years ahead, all i ask is trust... i promise i will never be a disappointment anymore...

BREAKTHROUGH

sabi ni V noon, love yourself by crying... whenever i feel blunt or left behind, i do cry.. to savor the pain... to appreciate the chance... and i pray, to leave everything in god's hands...

sometimes, people look at only on what they can... but maybe, if they only try to know me deeper, they'll see me better.. this is one of the instances i value more the love of sir soro and sir archie... i never outgrew longing for that kind of love... i am always that little girl who only needs to be treated honestly...

this is just another turning point... it means another door has been closed... another motivation to keep on believing and moving... i will never lose hope in spite of the unkind encounter... i know another page, a better if not the best page, will soon be opened and i'm looking forward to it... cheer!

WHY IT HURTS?

wala namang pinagkaiba 'yung pakiramdam noon nung tinanong ko si chris kung mahal niya pa din ako at sinagot ako na kahit sabihin niya na oo, wala ng magbabago, wala din namang kapupuntahan yon... masakit 'yung pakiramdam na hindi ako karapat-dapat mahalin... dahil hindi na ako 'yung ineexpect nila...

i don't have any intention of correcting their belief... sinungaling na ang labas ko, pinanindigan ko na.. After all, it's what i wanted to happen... let them think that I am just a second best... kahit hindi... shit talaga... 'yun lang pala 'yon...

Hindi naman ako takot magmahal ulit... Kaya kong magmahal ulit... Ang gusto ko lang, mamahalin din ako... nang totoo... nang buo... I just want the feeling that I am deserving no matter what... I want someone who will love me in the real sense of the word... someone who will do everything to win me... to be with me... someone who will fight for me til the end... Someone who will show me that it is always worth loving... and that love is not not unfair all the time... kung ako, ako lang... wala ng iba pa...

Ayokong mawalan ng pag-asa na dadating din ang pagkakataon na magmamahal ako ulit... Magmamahal ako ulit...hindi naman kailangan ng tamang panahon... tamang tao lang ang kailangan ko... ano pa man siya... mamahalin ko siya basta nakilala ko na siya..

FOR THE BEST

one more month bakasyon na!!! happy? yipee? yehey? still question mark.........

going up.. going down.. fast break.. heart ache.. too many things that may seem meaningless but mean so much to me... i am fine, perfectly fine... in spite of all...

i cannot cry at this point... all that i wish to do is hold tighter on all the things i believe is best... all i could do is pray... as what ate often tell me... i cannot ask for help... open myself to the best people in my life... this is a battle that i want to overcome on my own...

there are fears... i want to give up but i can't... no matter how things would break my heart, i know there are reasons behind them that will make me a better and stronger person... god has perfect plans for everybody... right things will happen in his time at the right places to the right persons... smile=)

One PM Away.....

didn't expect ate would be the one to open the door for me to one of my dreams... of course i said yes... i grabbed the chance, though i expressed my hesitation at first...

well, i'm just happy... no, i am happier...

hayyss... so tired... update na lang ako tom... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

NARRATIVE REPORT

aliw na aliw talaga ako kanina kasi 'yung narrative para bukas na kasamang isasubmit sa ETRE ng NAT hindi daw kailangan ng sentences... WEHHH! di nga? bwahahaha! hindi ako mapang-okray na tao dahil alam ko naman na hindi ako matalino... pero naman, kahit na belong ako sa mga moron, kahit pa'no hindi naman ako empty... peace! kanina napilitan akong maglabas ng powers para may maitype si charot na report na eenteran na lang namin ng data bukas... hayyyssss!!! pati narrative ng accomplishment namin, sabi niya igawa ko daw siya, sabi ko ako nga 'di ko pa magawan ang sarili ko, ayun nabadtrip yata kaya sinimangutan ako... hmppp... para naman kasing wala akong ginagawa... actually, masakit na ang ulo ko sa dami ng kailangang tapusin sa BLT... bukod sa mga narrative report, may mga forms pa na kailangang iaccomplish at 'yung attendance pa ng mga bata at parents at liquidation everyday.... superpowers talaga ang kailangan ko, dahil bukod sa mga 'yon, nag-iinday pa 'ko 'pag tanghali.. no choice.. wala naman kasing nagmamagandang loob na kahit pa'no tumulong... nakakapagod... lalo na ngayong mag-end na 'yung program at malapit na din ang checking ng mga forms sa district.... [sigh]

MAMANG PULIS!

wehhh... jaming! hahaha:) bihira nga pala akong mag-update ng tungkol sa mga FISHES IN THE SEA... siguro dahil hindi ako gano'n kainteresado... wala silang dating sa 'kin... at alam ko naman na boladas lang naman sila, nanenesting lang...

*CHAT

boy: puntahan kita pag uwi ko
girl: kelan?
boy: wednesday
girl: wala ako non at friday
boy: huwebes?
girl: sige
boy: gusto kita
girl: gusto mo ng textmate bigyan kita?
boy: ayoko, ikaw gusto ko. mahal na nga kita.
girl: uto! grRrrRrrr....

WOW! starry starry day! pwede na siyang idagdag sa collection ko ng flings bwahahaha! lupet ba? haba ng hair? hmppp... kilala ko naman ang sarili ko... hindi ako lumalagay sa maluluge ako... kahit na naaapektuhan ako o nalulungkot, 'gang don lang 'yon... lumilipas din naman... talagang gano'n... lahat naman ng bagay na nangyayari sa 'tin, may package na learning... may consolation.. at least hindi ko sinasara ang sarili ko sa mga possibilities... hehe...

tama naman din si mam madelon, HINDI KA PA SAWA SA BUHAY SINGLE, ENJOY!

oo nga... madami pa 'kong inuman na pagtatagayan... madami pa 'kong lugar na liliparan... madami pa 'kong gustong gawin na hindi ako half-hearted...

once naman dumating na 'yung right person for me, i promise, mamahalin ko siya gaya ng pagmamahal na hindi ko naibigay sa lahat ng naging boyfriend ko... at siguro by then, wala ng ibang magiging importante sa buhay ko kundi siya at magiging babies namin... toss?

WHERE IT HURTS?

in return to that kawawa thought, i put down all the possibilities that we can still work things out between us... i can forgive but i cannot be at peace while i am connected to him with the feeling that i won't ever be deserving...... this is the best choice i guess so we could both find what's really meant for us...

i hate to admit that his existence stirs me... my emotion... i know i don't have the right to be affected... i have been so insensitive, so heartless to him... whatever unhappiness i am going through right now, i deserve it... siguro guilty lang din ako... dahil may mali naman din ako talaga... at pagkukulang... sorry to him... pero hindi ko talaga matatanggap 'yung pagiging kawawa ko para sa kanya na wala naman siyang alam sa kung ano man ang nandito sa loob ko all these years... ayoko na ding ungkatin pa... the damage has been done... i'm done... time to think of myself over anyone else that doesn't really matter if i lose...

we must face it now, love never happened to me... there was no love to be considered... it was just a notion on my part... why not give it a try... that's all... he means nothing to me, after all...

so what now? life goes on... sanay naman akong mawalan... sanay akong mag-isa... philip is right, when i am already willing to open my heart again and love with fullness, god will reveal the right person under the right circumstances... i'd better wait for it... and be happy, even though pain is all over me at this time...

NO PHONE

i mean, i turned off my lines, i don't know just for tonight or until friday.. this day isn't supposed to have its meaning to me 'cause it's nothing, useless to think about.. but why i am so affected? guilty? or should i face the truth, there is longing... haha! for what? wheow! no one will ever know except me... i better play that heartless and liar bitch than let them interpret the reasons behind my excuses...

i know life will never ever be perfect for me but i always have the option to give my best shot with my pupils... the consolation! kids... i can make the best for them...

i hate this day and tomorrow... one thing is for sure, it will pass... GOODNIGHT!

RIGHT MAN

sabi ni ma'am myra, once you've found true love, you'll go for it without hesitation... hmpp... one million like to that! tama rin naman kasi si nimrod, boy, hindi totoong ayaw mong magpakasal, ayaw mo lang 'yung pakakasalan mo...

remember i was only 19 when i accepted christian's proposal... i have loved him so much and all that i've ever wanted is to make him mine.. maybe, we were not really meant to be... though i really wanted to be his wife, circumstances separated us.... i had no choice but to let him go... and i thought then he was the last guy on earth, i was wrong...

i was only 20 when i wanted to enter married life with pare... i never dreamed to teach in public, you know how much i hated being here... but because of him, i welcomed the possibility, the rest was history... and then we live happily ever after, separated... ang saya 'di ba? even i did all the chasing, to fight for him, he was really not meant for me... so i had no choice but to move on and live my life without him...

anyway... i just want to make myself clear that the right man i am wanting for myself is simply the one i love...  'yang dalawang mokong na 'yan, hindi naman nila ako niligawan... basta na-feel ko na lang na mahal ko sila... love means a lot to me... that would be the only thing that will make me surrender my freedom...

any idea on CHINOPS?

REMINISCE

naligaw kami pauwi, nung palabas na kami papunta ng north gate sa fort... napadpad kami sa papunta sa pahingahan... hmppp... siyempre, pa'no ko ba makakalimutan ang second day na nagkilala kami, which was our first date and became officially on... wehehehe ganon kabilis... nag-jog muna kami ng 5am, pumunta sa talavera, nanood ng movie, we kissed, we went to cruz roja, tapos we felt parang matagal na kaming magkakilala... kaya mula non lagi na kaming magkasama... unang kita ko pa lang sa kanya, gusto ko na siya... we get along well... kayang sakyan ang mga trip ko, PARK! the only man na nakasabay ko sa mga gustung-gusto kong ginagawa... kahit naman gano'n ang nangyari sa 'min, i still believe that he did love me in some ways... and it's better to leave it on that way, besides he was long gone to me... i'd rather think of the best things that i've had with him than keep holding on the bad memories.. i will always think of him as a special person who made my journey more meaningful... he will always be my one great love... at least now, i can talk about him and all that had been without bitterness... in spite of all, he had taught me lots of things that i could carry 'til i get older... and most of all, talagang ganon, FIRST KISS NEVER DIES bwahahaha!

one day, when i see him again, i will be happier to see him happy with his new life now... maybe, i would hug him, for the last time, hehe, kung pwede... and thank him for everything...

UNLOADING

kami ang magpafacilitate ng SLAC bukas pero 'eto ko cityville ang inaatupag... malfunction! kahit na-i-draft ko na ang gagawin namin bukas, not enough, kailangan pa ding makapagbuo ng presentation na hindi kami sasablay o ma-o-okray ng bongang-bongga...

alam kong pressured si mam irene dahil siya ang grade leader namin at si tita josie kasi this will be her first time, at ako, wala lang... walang pakialam... but not at all, nagko-contri naman ako ng mga ideas...nagbibigay ng moral support hehehe:)

loaded lang siguro ang isip ko... i want a break... vacation! i want to rest... ilusyon! napakadaming trabaho sa mga panahon na 'to... at wala akong matapos-tapos...

gusto ko lang sigurong tapusin ang kahibangan ko...tama si boy, puro na lang kwento ang pangarap kong maging pulis... matagal ko ng alam 'yon... ayoko lang bumitaw... ayoko lang harapin 'yung katotohanan na hindi ako talaga para do'n... pinanghihinaan lang ako ng loob kasi madaming bagay ang hindi ko kayang gawin... ayaw gawin... at siguro, kailangan ko pa talagang magmature pa at maging mas responsible pa... kahit pa'no naman malaki na ang ipinagbago ko hehe... kahit pa'no natuto na 'kong magmalasakit... siguro dadating din ang panahon na magiging buo na ang pagtanggap ko na dito talaga nababagay at nakalaan...

besides, nagbago na din naman ang takbo ng isip ko...  ayoko ng sundan ang yapak ni mam judy... gusto kong magkaroon ng direksyon, gusto kong magkaroon ng sarili kong pamilya, magkaroon ng babies, maging mommy, tawaging mommy... at para mangyari 'yon, tama si dhon, KAILANGAN MO NG MAINLOVE MARE!

kaso nga lang, hindi na yata ako tinatablan ng LOVE... batong-bato na ba talaga ang puso ko? nalocked ng todo? hindi naman... hindi pa lang talaga dumadating ang lalaking karapat-dapat para sa 'kin... wala naman akong hinahanap... siguro, gusto ko lang maramdaman na mahal ako talaga... at gagawin ang lahat 'wag lang akong mawala sa kanya... ayoko ng para lang akong sinusubukan kung bibigay... panakip butas! rebound girl... hmppp...

tsaka dalawa na lang naman ang gusto kong mangyari, magchampion sa executive run at makapagpublish ng kahit isang piece... haha.. wala namang masamang mangarap... 'yun na lang naman ang libre sa panahon ngayon... hayyyy!


time to sleep... 1:31 am na... maaga pa 'ko bukas... GOOD MORNING!

Boy UPO Nimrod Mate-O bwahaha!

nag-away kami ni BOY kahapon, o mas tamang sabihin na inaway ko siya... well, actually, that was just a reminder from a concern friend ahemmm hehe... i told him it's best na sa 'kin niya na marinig kesa sa iba pa... hindi naman ako napikon, quite offended and alarmed maybe kasi nakaharap ang mga estudyante ko, puro kaabunasan ang inaasal... sabi ko sa kanya, KUNG IKAW KAYA MONG GINAGAGO KA NG MGA ESTUDYANTE MO, AKO HINDI!!!!! [with matching red face hehe:)]

pero nag-sorry naman din siya... narealized niya na mali siya hehe... sabi din naman ni mam louraine at mam charot sa kanya, DINIDISIPLINA NIYA 'YUNG BATA KUMAKANA KA NG GANON... BUGOK KA KASI! wehehe:) kung hindi siya nag-sorry, tuluyan na siyang makikigrupo sa mga gas, IKAW AT AKO... kahirap yatang may kaaway na solid, damay-damay hehe:) joke!!! hindi naman kami aabot sa puntong magsosolian kami ng kandila... natural na sa 'min ang magbungilan, mag-gaguhan... sa huli, kami pa din naman ang magkakasama...

sadyang bugok lang si boy pero kahit pa'no, sa puntong 'to, siya ang pinakamalapit sa 'kin... siya ang maituturing kong partner in crime, sparring partner, bestfriend... minsan, sobrang prangka ko lang talaga, mas gusto ko kasi ng harapan, confrontation, kesa maglaglagan kami ng talikuran... that's not me...

minsan, talagang napipikon na din ako sa ugali niya na parang hindi GUIDANCE, pero iniisip ko naman na pareho lang naman kaming guidance na misguided... manos! pareho kaming siraulo... parehong ugok at ugak... parehong tumador.. parehong may amats... parehong puro kwento... kaya hanggang magkasama kami, magtiisan na lang ng mga topak at karga... after all, wala naman din siyang choice kundi pakisamahan ako, unless magpatayo siya ng overpass ng hindi na siya dadaan sa room ko bwahaha!

BANGS

im sick pero ayokong mag-sick call... pag di ko na kaya, uupo na lang ako at dudukdok sa school... madaming kailangang tapusin... super toxic... hmpp kahapon pa namin binabalak magbangs haha... kasi si charot adik... pero bagay naman haha... excited!

BE HAPPY:)

hayyyy! ayoko mang malungkot kaya lang hindi ko naiwasang magmukmok... for 5 minutes lang naman, nagkulong ako sa madilim na kwarto ko... hindi kasi kami tumuloy nila ibon na lumarga... kaya umuwi na lang ako... physically, sobrang exhausted na... super antok na antok na ko... pero kahit mahiga ako, hindi pa din ako makatulog... sayang ang outfit kong nakaprepare for this day so i decided to accept ate leng's invi to attend the pamamahaygg of inc in ramirez... i went out of my shell and embraced the emptiness.. the hopelessness of this day...

it is not totally empty... as i've said in my wall post in fb, i still have my family and friends who can fill this day with love and memories... hmmp... hypocrisy aside,  maybe, i want something different... someone special to share with me on this day... i want a man beside me to celebrate this day on whatever romantic way possible...

pero ayoko ng pahabain pa 'to... gusto ko na talagang matulog... maybe tom, i'll post the other things inside me... nyt!

VALENTINE'S TRIP NG MGA ABUNAS:)

 so many hands in a plate of fresh salad... that's what you call FRIENDSHIP..

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

naisipan ng mga abunas na mag-exchange gift para maiba naman... hehe... mga adik!

walang larga ang mga abunas kaya after class, mall na lang... ako, si mam judy at louraine... wala kasi ang bf ni ibon kaya sabit siya sa 'min... si mam judy, NBSZ... at ako? wala... done and over to my fling thing with you know...

ang sama ko talaga... FLING? after all? 'yun lang naman talaga 'yon... nothing serious between us... hindi na 'ko gano'n ka-affected kaya i can talk about it na para lang akong nagpapalit ng shoes...

ayoko naman siyang saktan... ayoko din namang maging masamang tao ang labas ko... siguro ramdam ko lang din na hindi pa din siya 'yung para sa 'kin... ayoko na munang magsalita ng kung anu-ano... ng wala akong matibay na basehan... wala din naman akong masamang hangad sa kanya... siguro, gusto ko lang din namang maging isang kaibigan, dahil hanggang dun na lang talaga ang kaya kong ibigay...

AT LEAST...

i was crying last night... because someone told me that i am KAWAWA... for loving a wrong man... i cried because nobody really sees what's inside me... nobody knew the pain..

i have made lies to hide something to everybody... part of learning to let go... sorry, lying is the only way i see to get myself at the acceptance level and move forward...

i couldn't help remembered every heartbreak that i've gone through... i reflected... i questioned god... i admitted my mistakes... i considered the purpose for everything... i cried so hard... and freed myself finally... i asked god's forgiveness and dared him to make me fall in love again and learn to trust again... i smiled as i fell asleep and woke up with a clear heart that is ready to face the whole world with a new goal--BE HAPPY.. for whatever that had been... and whatever will be, let it be...

inspite of my blurriness, i look at this life at the more brighter sides now...

it's enough for me that at least---
...one of the billion people in the world made me smile today...
...one of them commended my hard work...
...one of them trusted my capability...
...one of them showed concern...
...one of them threw jokes on me and laughed with me...
...one of them made me mad..
...one of them hated me and frowned because of me...
...one of them shared the same dream, the same opinion...
...one of them asked my help...
...one of them helped me...
...one of them prayed with me..
...one of them texted me...
...one of them liked my wall post in fb..
...one of them chat me..
...one of them tagged me a photo...
...one of them sent me a gift in cityville..
...one of them wanted to make me feel i am special...

all those things that happened to me today are just proofs that there are people out there who help me make a day each day i am still alive.. hindi ako kawawa...

we all have our own perspectives to things and people around us... and the choice is still ours to choose whether to be happy or not, to live or not... and let god be your one and only strength all throughout your journey...

DONE

done with form 137e and 138e for third grading and a lot of forms and reports are still waiting on me.. [sigh]

it's 1:30 in the morning and still up... many things disturb me... hindi ko na nga lang ugaling maglagalag ngayon... you read it right... i'm growing up, A LITTLE... unlike before na hindi ako papasok, nag-sisick call ako ng hindi naman talaga ako sick... i'm learning to consider my responsibilities... kahit na maghapon na pagiging tsimay lang ang role ng isang teacher, okay na din, at  least may direksyon ang buhay ko araw-araw...

nag-PM ako kay sir soro, asking something... or i was only consoling myself that there is someone out there who really loves me for what i really am... i am needing someone to comfort me... even without talking what's going on... somehow, i felt good when i read his reply... that's enough to, at least, loosen up from carrying the loads...

i cannot open all those things that bother me... i don't know how i would... i'm thinking i'm too old to need a friend... to show weakness... to cry... to ask for help... to show off the world that i'm hurting right now... that i feel frustrated... betrayed... and left behind...

my mind is full of IF ONLYs... but i've got to make it with no other than myself all the way... i have to learn to depend to no one... i've got to be okay on my own...

i know i will be able to get over with them... i pray that it will happen very soon...  that i would be able to say I'M DONE!

STIT..........

maybe, in god's time, he would learn to forgive me and care to look back and think of me...

i missed my bestfriend so much...

LOVE, MARRIAGE and ME...

seems that love is impossible to get its space in my heart now.. and marriage is dreading me so much... though i'm trying to open my heart... but the harder i exert the effort to make it  happen inside me, the more i get the feeling of being unable... have i lost the capacity to feel the magic? or am i not really deserving? no! i don't believe that i do... i just haven't found the right man yet... the man that i will love the best that i could is not yet appearing...

what about jonathan? i know i'm being unfair with him... i am becoming a player that i've hated so much from all the men who broke my heart and made into pieces every beautiful belief i got about love and life... i admit it's all my fault.. yes, always! 'cause i'm too stupid and too damn friendly... even crossing the boundaries doesn't make me learn to love him... 'cause love is not about being entertaining... love requires no effort...  love is just simply love once you felt it in your heart...

i hate to hurt him... 'cause i knew very well how it feels like... it's like dying each day you are still alive... but what can i do? keep this longer? make more excuses? create more lies? build more rooms for regrets?

wish breaking someone else's heart is as simple as shutting down a PC... the only thing to do is click the TURN OFF button... when it happens, i would never feel guilty anymore...

MOVING ON

this will never be easy... like working in cityville to level up, as we strive to step higher, the harder it gets...
i've gone this mess over and over again... it may take time, but one thing is for sure, i'll make it through...

i should have not let this to happen to me... i should have not let them enter my life and hurt me... but whatever decision i make, step i take, no matter how much it breaks my heart, i will never ever regret letting them be a part of me...

the pain i feel right now is just proof that i never play safe in my life... i risk all the chance... i dream... i build... i make... i break... i laugh.. i cry... i love... i hate.. i fight... i let go... i don't give much  focus on what i would gain... i don't mind what i would lose...

maybe i just want to cry all these... i just want a hug from people who mean to me... i just want to end this tonight... say goodbye to some things and some people that need to be out of my life now... it hurts me.. it makes me weak.. but if this is for the best, i will embrace it and move on..

STRANGER TO EACH OTHER FOREVER.....

ngayon ko lang ba na-realize 'yon? yes... boba nga kasi ako 'di ba? all these years, i have considered him one of the best people in my life... pero bakit nga ba? kasi siya ang first boyfriend ko? first love? first broken heart?

am too old to be too sentimental... too late to hate him for breaking my heart... pero nabura nga ba lahat ng panahon? i don't think so... time never let me stop expecting to hear him talking about things i want to hear... i don't remember if he asks my forgiveness and i don't remember if in any way, i made him feel that i forgot what he had done to me...

siguro hindi ko makakalimutan lahat kasi it's one of the significant turning points sa buhay ko... sinira n'ya lahat ng magagandang paniniwala ko about this life to make me see the reality, the real world... hindi lahat ng tao ay kagaya ni mama at papa na kaya akong mahalin ng totoo... ang sakit ng katotohanan, kasi nag-expect ako ng sobra-sobra from him... siguro kasi, bata pa 'ko no'n... akala ko mahal n'ya din ako.. pero hindi.. at hinding-hindi ako magiging bahagi ng buhay n'ya kahit kailan... isa lang akong saling pusa...

wala na akong magagawa to change things... ayoko man, masakit man, mahirap man, kailangan ko ng tanggapin na matanda na talaga 'ko... kailangan ko ng harapin ang masasakit na katotohanan... soldier will never ever be mine... sir archie and i won't be bestfriends forever.. and ayie is just an outsider in my real world.. he is just one of the objects in my virtual world.. one of my fantasies for a perfect world as a young and very naive girl that i should let go now...

i guess it's not too late to start my life all over again... this is the best move, one of the best decisions that i would do for myself... hindi naman siguro pagiging makasarili 'yung mahalin ko 'yung sarili ko above all... all i ask is, be happy for me... kung hindi man ngayon, sana sa dadating na panahon...